August 18, 2:50pm CST, 20:50 Benin time
I finally just said screw it and took my computer out into the salon to type this while my family is around. My room is locked whenever I’m out and they’ve had volunteers in the past…and I also usually have my computer with me anyway. I just felt that the hassle of having to type in my hot room all by myself was not worth it; it’s much nicer to be out where there is a breeze and I can chat with the fam! They really loved seeing my tiny computer, too. They were cracking up when I showed them all the photos slide show style of my going away party. Maman said Colt was very handsome and I said I’d bring him by to meet them in December. The older uncle was very interested in the price of mon ordinateur, but whatever. Once I get to my house in Djougou I definitely won’t be making myself a target by letting anyone know about my expensive items, but I feel like I’ve been with this family for long enough that I trust them and I always lock my door anyway. It was a judgment call and maybe not everyone would agree with it, but just know that I didn’t make it lightly and I won’t do the same in Djougou.
Anyway. I thought I’d drop a line to just talk about something other than a simple update about my life and the activities that I’ve been up to. At this point, things are feeling pretty mundane and definitely routine. I still have those “whoa Afrique” moments, but I have gone at least two days where I don’t think specifically about the fact that I’m in Africa. So things are pretty normal for me at this point…which is a bit frustrating because in less than a month I’ll be packing it up to go to the opposite side of the country to start over with a new community, but c’est la vie, n’est pas?
I feel more like a manic depressive than I probably ever will again in my life, as one volunteer put it, and that is so true. Within the space of days or even hours, I can go from being completely elated to crying alone in my room. Some days I think “holy shit, I was like BORN to be a Peace Corps volunteer” and I am feeling totally high on life, and then just a little while after that I’m choking up because my host brother said something that reminded me of Lucas. So I thought I’d just make a couple lists of all the good and bad things that make me feel like I’m on the ol’ roller coaster.
THE BAD
-The smell of fish. My family makes it a lot and it is really strong and really disgusting and I cannot escape it in my room.
-The mosquito/other bug bites. I have scratched so much I worry that I might have scars when I’m done!
-Heat rash. Whenever I run/work out I get these little bumps all over my chest and shoulders where my sports bra has rubbed up against me and it’s ugly and itchy and annoys me!
-Constant YOVO-ing. I didn’t think it would bug me, but it kinda does. The kids are still cute, but adults annoy me. Sometimes I yell the word “mesoui” which means “black person” in Fon and they always crack up at that. That’s definitely not the correct spelling of that word and also probably not something I’ll continue with apres service.
-Missing the USA. Sometimes I miss my family or friends and sometimes I miss the food…often I miss both at once and I am super sad that I won’t be there for at least a year. Since I have to come back to interview for med school, I know I’ll be there next fall at some point, so that gives me some hope for a good pizza…or twelve.
-Missing Colt. It’s a special kind of missing that gets its own mention. It’s like the kind of missing where I wake up sometimes and I’ve been dreaming that I’m sleeping next to him and when he’s not there when I open my eyes, there’s nothing but a sort of crushing disappointment. Knowing that we can’t have a routine together again for two years is actually too overwhelming most of the time for me to think about. Instead I think about how he’s coming to visit in December and just think about it in baby steps. That works pretty well, actually. But I tell ya, some days I just feel BAD because of this one.
-Futility. Sometimes..okay, most of the time, I feel like there’s no way that I can possibly make any sort of difference during my time here. I feel like my choice to join the Peace Corps was primarily a selfish one and that it is incredibly naïve and paternalistic of me to think that I could possibly have any lasting impact here. Sometimes just the thought that the Peace Corps presence indicates substandard living, that me being here necessarily states that Benin is ‘not developed’, feels offensive to me. I don’t know. This topic deserves its own entry, but suffice it to say that my perceptions about what a “third world” country is have been a bit rearranged.
-Being hot all the time. There have been like 2 days where I had chilly moments. The rest of the time, I’m like constantly sweating. The temperature is not super hot all the time, but there’s just no escape from it. It’s like 89 degrees or something, which isn’t bad, but when you can’t get out of it…and it’s a mini sauna under the mosquito net…it sucks. The air conditioned computer room at the bureau in Cotonou is like heaven…and I’ve only been there once since I left.
-Bad internet connections. There are very few times when I am so frustrated I want to scream, but when I just want to post a blog or upload one freaking picture and I can’t because it’s such a bad connection, I want to hit someone or burst into tears or both simultaneously.
THE GOOD
-Receiving letters! Thank you so much to everyone who has taken the time to send me something (Rhonda, Zach and Lucas, Craig, Dana, and Ally, Mommoo!…I thought if I listed the names everyone else would feel un peu guilty and send something, too….haha…make sure to put an extra stamp in there so I can send one back to you!)
-When someone calls me “madam” on the street instead of “yovo.” I don’t mind the little kids singing the song, but it bothers me when adults, especially men being creepers, will say it to get me to come over and buy something. So when I hear a young adult or grown up call me madam I feel bien integre.
-Cadeux-ing something to a kid (gifting). I just like to give little things to kids I know, like the other night I gave the rest of my pineapple to Fifa, my littlest sister, and she was just so freaking psyched about it that it made me appreciate both pineapples and gifts so much more.
-The little goats. They are adorable and while they’re babies, I like them. The grown ups are kind of belligerent and ugly…but I guess it’s the same with people. There’s definitely a reason I want to be a pediatrician…
-A successful zem ride. One where we saluate each other well and we’re friendly and I don’t get overcharged or called yovo and the ride is pleasant and fun. After those zem rides I feel so much a part of the culture I could just pee.
-The tissue. It’s colorful and beautiful and it’s totally the kind of stuff I like to wear in the states already..but it’s everywhere and totally acceptable to have a bright pink and blue skirt/shirt ensemble.
-Rico. My host brother is awesome. He’s a little brat sometimes to his sisters, but he cooks me dinner and helps me learn how to cook Beninese food on the little tiny gas stove in Maman’s room and I helped him with his English homework…and he’s just such a cool dude. He makes me miss my brothers A LOT, but it’s nice to have a kid around that age to make a connection with. When he saluates with me I just feel a surge of happiness.
-Phone calls from home. Colt, mom, dad, whoever. When my phone rings I am sooo psyched!
-Waking up in the morning feeling like I got a good night’s sleep and not feeling too hot or uncomfortable. Sometimes just before my alarm goes off, I’ll wake up and feel really content, just feeling at a good temperature and like I’ve slept well. Those mornings I wake up and roll out my yoga mat and do some sun salutations avant le journee. C’est bon.
-Wagasi. If it’s good…and I actually have not had any wagasi since the hotel in Cotonou that I thought WASN’T good, it is really good. I’m not sure if it’s just the fact that it’s the seulment cheese I can get in Benin easily, or if it’s legit good…I sort of think the former a la veggie dogs in the states…but I really like it and when I get a repas avec some wagasi in it I am stoked.
-Random English songs. I hear them sometimes while I’m walking down the street or on the radio behind my house and every time I think “I totally know what that song is saying…and probably none of these people do!” It makes me feel kinda cool like I have a secret ability or something. A super power.
Ok, well that’s it for now. I’m happy to see that I have more good things than bad. I guess that’s why I’m still here, n’est pas? I met my postmate, Doug, today. He seems like fun guy and I’ve read his girlfriend’s blog for a year. She’s posted in Ze in the south, but comes up to Djougou once a month, so I’ll probablement be seeing her around un peu.
Friday we have our update language interview/test and I probably won’t get online again until after I know where I’m sitting. My goal is to reach my final level now (intermediate high) so that I can start learning Dendi, the most common local language in Djougou. I think I have a small chance of doing that, but most likely I’ll be put in intermediate low and have to continue with French, which would be fine, I guess since pretty much everyone uses French in Djougou. I am just sort of tired of French lessons and would like to learn something new. One of the volunteers said that I could ask to have some of my lessons perhaps be Dendi and the others be French, even if I don’t make it to intermediate high…so we’ll see. (On va voir) Wish me luck (bonne chance!)
I miss and love you all; send me stuff if you miss and love me too. I looove cadeaux. Also it’s my birthday in less than a month and it takes like a month for packages and letters to get here. Just sayin’.
E
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