I'll be home for Christmas

Well, it's official! I am leaving the Peace Corps a few months early to go home, help my family out, and make some money before medical school. The decision was definitely a tough one and one I analyzed for a long time before calling the Peace Corps to set it up, but ultimately it's the best thing for me and my family right now. Essentially it came down to the fact that I was going to have to ET anyway, probably in April, and why should I wait around for five months, get back into a routine, and be frustrated and miserable when I could make it home for the holidays? The Peace Corps does not make it difficult to early terminate and once it comes down to a need to ET for grad school, a few extra months seem superfluous in the long run. Sure, I feel a little guilty about leaving my projects and work partners behind (and I am close to traumatized about leaving Zaari), but everyone has been very understanding, especially of the fact that in reality, it's only a few months earlier than expected.

The next couple weeks will be spend filling out pages and pages of forms, figuring out packing and getting Zaari to her new home. She will be going to the home of a PC homologue who has many kids who love animals. I will be able to get updates on her through my Djougou post-mate and in the end, staying here is what is best for her (even if it makes me cry at night haha).

The last year and a half has been completely life altering and amazing and I wouldn't trade it for anything. It had its ups and downs, but doesn't life? Overall, I was happy and feel like I've both done some amazing work here and made many lasting friendships (cue cheesy music now). I'll miss a lot of people, but I would have been saying good-bye in a few months anyway, so I guess it's just ripping off the bandaid early.

All that sad stuff said, I am so incredibly excited to be going home! I'm looking for jobs in tutoring, being a nanny or long-term babysitter, or working as a receptionist at a medical office. I've already applied to over 20 jobs and hopefully I'll start to hear back soon. Apparently moving is sort of expensive...as is getting married and starting a household...(who knew? haha) so I'll be trying to save up as much as possible in the next few months before the wedding and med school.

I also just want to say that there have many times when I've wanted to leave, usually for very emotional reasons not backed by real logical ones. I've missed America and my family and Colt, but I've held out because I'm strong and determined and have never been someone to quit something just because it was hard. While ETing now does indeed solve some of those feelings (completely normal feelings that almost every PCV deals with on occasion), me leaving now is not due to emotional reasons. Right now it's about logic and finances and being a part of my family. Once I reached this point of clarity in thinking about my options, it actually wasn't that stressful of a decision. Ultimately, I'm not upset or struggling with the choice because I've put in enough time for me, personally, to feel accomplished and satisfied with my work and life here. Before I was always worried about regretting the choice later in life, which was a major deterrent to leaving. But now, at this point, with only a few months left, I know that I will have no regrets, only good memories! It helps that everyone I've talked to is supportive and in no way do I feel like a quitter. I loved it here and feel like I'm ending things on a good note at a good time for me.

Benin, it's been real. Stay classy,

Elaina

PS. I'll probably be back on to give a few ET updates for interested people and I may update again once I'm permanently back in the states. I can't believe this blog is ending! It's been such a big thing in my life for a long time now and it's going to be weird. I'll link my new, med school blog here and again in my final post. Yay, for turning the page!

A Hundred Fans

My standing fan is broken and I am sweating in my hot little house as I finish the movie. I’m frustrated and itching for a cigarette. I’m thinking about tomorrow and the early trip I am taking to the regional workstation where I know I have a package from America waiting for me. I am planning my vacation, thinking about dinner tomorrow night, thinking about anything other than where I am right now, bored and alone in my hot, airless house.
I step outside as the credits start and I shut off my computer. I rummage through my purse until I find the battered box of local cigarettes with the inked label “last pack ever” across the lid. I sit in my bamboo chair and strike a match, my cat following me out the screen door to catch bugs in the florescent glow of my back porch light. I smoke there and notice the silence that has fallen in my neighborhood. All I can hear are the cicadas and the whirring of my small refrigerator fan, and the occasional moto engine in the distance. I’ve missed the sounds of the women pounding yams, or the children playing soccer with an old deflated tennis ball. Even the mosque is quiet, the evening call to prayer not even a whisper on the wind.
And there is a breeze out here, I realize. Once I step outside my cement house the cool air hits me and I wrap my pagne around myself a little tighter, enjoying the cool feeling, knowing that I’ll be sleeping soon without the comforts of a fan, wishing a had a hundred of them. I decide I want to travel to exotic places when my service here is over. I want to be a world traveler. I think about that for a while, filling my passport with stamps, taking trips with my lover, leaving the hypothetical kids at home. Mommy and Daddy trips, we’ll call them. We’ll eat local foods and learn local language. I think about those days in the future while I finish my cigarette.
I’m not ready to go inside yet. For some reason I feel like I’m missing something out here and as the winds shift I understand what that is. I am here right now. I am living here. I live in Africa. I live in Africa. Instead of berating myself for not living in the moment, I just stop thinking and listen to that silence. I watch Zaari as she intently stalks a carpenter ant and I really see her in this moment. I don’t think about the future, or my trips, or how hot I’ll be sleeping under my mosquito net tonight. I even manage to not try to guess what’s waiting for me in my American package. I just let myself go as silent as the night, and empty everything else in my life. I close my eyes and take a deep breath and find that quite unexpectedly, I am happy. I drink it in, feeling the world as simply a part of my happiness, as part of the love that I have for myself, for Zaari, for that carpenter ant.
It doesn’t last very long and soon I am wondering if there are Oreos waiting for me tomorrow and debating whether or not I should order French fries for dinner. I set my watch for three minutes and decide to meditate. I know I should get back into the habit and I’ve always felt centered after doing so. I cross my legs over the bamboo armrests and close my eyes again, forgetting the time, forgetting dinner, clearing everything away but my smile and the love I feel for the whole world. I think of myself as a small island with all the stress and frustrations swirling around me and disappearing into the earth through the legs of my chair. I breath deeply and every time my mind wanders I gently bring myself back to the center of myself, my island of calm and peace. When my watch beeps I am genuinely surprised. It had felt like 30 seconds, like I had just begun to find that peace. I stand and stretch, the pagne falling to my feet. I am here, in this moment under the African sky. I will not be shaken; we are all as one. I take another deep breath for good measure and decide to take a quick bucket shower to rinse off before climbing into bed for the night.
As I step over to my shower I see a small spider is floating at waist level, diligently building a web in the evening glow. I watch her work with a small smile on my lips. Typically freaked out by spiders I am impressed with my own calm, a direct result of my awesome meditation and powers of living in the moment, I think. She is, however, blocking my entrance to my shower. I wiggle my finger in the space around her, thinking I guess of lifting her web and depositing her elsewhere so that I can cool off in the water and go to bed in peace. Instead of just allowing me to move her, however, the spider rapidly climbs up the web and onto my hand. Immediately my calm peaceful meditation mindset vanishes and I am totally freaking out, wiping my hands together, jumping up and down, heart beat racing, praying that the damn thing is dead and not crawling over my naked skin burrowing in to lay her freaky baby spider eggs.
As my heart slows and I am sure that I am not the future host for a hundred spider babies, I start to laugh. Quiet at first and then full out cracking up. I actually have to lay my hand against the wall to steady myself (after making sure there are no bugs of course). I laugh for longer than I meditated, until my eyes are tearing up and I’m sure that nothing makes any sense anymore at all and that’s okay. I don’t have to be a balanced work of art, I can be a messy finger painting. I don’t think I could live in the moment, every moment even if I really wanted to and devoted my entire life to it. I need to plan, I need to think about the future, tomorrow, my vacations, my trips, my package from America with the possible Oreos. That’s who I am and that’s really alright, too.
I pour a couple of bowls of cool water over my back and smile, loving the cold chill of the simplicity of it, loving my body, myself. I close my eyes and rinse off the day, the stresses and frustrations, the heat, and I am content. As I step out and pick up my fallen wrap I realize that I had just spent the last few minutes living in the moment without even trying, just actually being and experiencing life. I grin to myself as I shut my screen door and put Zaari to bed.
As I climb under my mosquito net I decide that I might spend the entire night feeling too hot, wishing I had a fan, wishing I was somewhere else, but that when it really counts I can find my own inner peace, too. And that knowledge is worth a hundred fans.

Med School Apps, Dog Pizza, and it's Always Sunny

"We're making brownies."
"...the drug filled kind."

Oh, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. I'm sitting here in Nati watching TV with Jonny and the Spencers. We've been laughing and plotting. More on the plotting later.

First off, I FINISHED MY MED SCHOOL APPLICATION! I haven't submitted it yet, but all the information is entered in and ready to go for June 1st. I'm so excited to be finished with it. It took about twelve hours to do the whole thing and I spent the last two days up here in Nati to use the good internet to finish it off. I am now officially ready to apply. I'll send it in and wait for secondaries to arrive in July. Woo hoo!

One thing I'm worried about. I've been here two nights already and Zaari is all alone in my house. I know for a fact that she will be hungry today and I feel bad about this. I left her a lot of water and a clean litter box with two days worth of food. As long as I get back tomorrow morning she'll be okay. Sometimes she refuses food for a couple days anyway. But I still feel kind of bad.

But I have to stay in Nati an extra night. Why? Because of dog pizza, the cause of the plotting. We have decided to buy dog meat and create a pizza with this dog meat. It sounds, frankly, a little unappetizing. And there is the whole vegetarian thing to consider. However, I am also down for trying new things and this Peace Corps time is ripe for thinking outside the box. So for most of the afternoon I was torn. Then finally I just decided to go for it. We are right now making the crust for the pizza. I have no idea how it will turn out, but I'll try to get a picture or two up here later. So I'm staying one more night for this spectacle and part of me thinks Zaari would approve.

And I'll just leave you with this gem from It's Always Sunny:

"street rat!"

*UPDATE: The dog pizza was amazing. Like delicious and amazing:

Jonny looks appropriately creepy standing there behind me in the kitchen. Yum, dog pizza. I might not be able to go back to vegetarianism after this. You know what I'm talking about.

A May Update

Things have been pretty relaxed around here, treading precipitously on lazy I dare say.

After IST, I spent a couple nights in Nati to just wind down, use some awesome internet, and catch the tail end of Mango Olympics, the Peer Support Network (PSN) program of the year. I had a very nice time, actually. I streamed the three most recent episodes of Grey’s Anatomy (holy love of all that is holy, that workstation internet is fast!), had myself a few beers with some good friends, and had my fair share of the deliciousness that was the mango pie that Mary made (see last post for da foto). I lounged around with glee, knowing that Imorou, my work partner back in Djougou, was still out of town on formation that I was not invited to (because of the IST business). I also got to talk to Colt for the first time in like A MILLENIUM, which was amazing and very very needed.

Since being back from Nati, I have been feeling a little under the weather. I’m not sure if this is general Peace Corps related apathy (oh no, I have nothing scheduled for months and am just going to DIE here of boredom) or a little bacterial infection. Maybe it’s malaria, but the no fever thing sort of rules that out. That and the insane, liver-destroying prophylaxis we take weekly. So I just gave myself a couple days to chill out. Yesterday, I actually went an entire day without seeing another human being and can I just say that it was lovely? It was my first alone day in like weeks.

Part of my misanthropy is a direct result of my having been robbed. Not like someone broke into my house or anything like that, but my cell phone was stolen from me. I, of course, stupidly left it on the bus on the way back from IST, and when I asked the bus people about it, they were clueless…meaning it has been taken. Which sucks. Honestly, though, I’ve been nonplussed about the whole thing. I mean, I was annoyed for sure, but when I really started thinking about it, I figured that there wasn’t really anything I could do about it, except get a new one. So I came back to Djougou planning on zemming out to the MTN store to try to get a new sim card with the same number. That plan was stymied, however, when I got out of the taxi and discovered that my helmet had been stolen. That’s right, two important commodities, stolen within a week of each other. The helmet thing pissed me off. I demanded the driver find out what happened. He asked for my contact information so he could return it to me when he found it. I, however, HAVE NO CELL PHONE. He promised to bring it to PSI next week, though, when located. He better do it, too. I got his name and number and will be passing it on to the security guy at Peace Corps if I don’t get my helmet back. Walking around this hugely sprawling city is a bitch.

Case in point: It took AN HOUR to walk to the MTN store. In the middle of the day. With the sun BEATING down on me. At least the place was airconditioned. I sat for (ONLY!) three hours and got a new sim card. I was actually pretty happy with the service there, besides the wait. The lady was professional, using the vous form and speaking really fast and courteously, almost like in Americaland. I get my same number, too, so yay for 66.23.91.13 or as we say here “soixante-six, vingt-trois, quatre vingt-onze, treize.” Thank Allah for small favors. Then I walked the hour long walk home at dusk.

I had to leave my ID card with them, though. Apparently their copy machine was down and I didn’t want to wait an indeterminate number of hours because I wanted to get home before dark. So I left it, they promised to keep it safe, and I said I’d go back for it the next day. Which I didn’t. Because of the lazy. But it’s fine. It’ll be safe until later. I hope.

Zaari is good. She meows a lot less. I’m not sure if that’s because she’s growing up or because she was completely traumatized by her week of NO MOMMY when I was at IST last week. Doug came by to feed her every couple of days, but I sort of think it wasn’t enough food. She’s been eating an entire can of sardines each day now and he only gave her a can for every two days or so. I’m pretty sure she was like freaking out, thinking she was near death or something. Which makes me feel kinda bad. But at least she’s eating a lot now. She’s also freaking huge. Like almost the size of real live, American kitten. I think she’s about thirteen or fourteen weeks. After we get paid at the end of the month, I’m going to finally get her vaccinated. I know, I know. It’s about time. She’s been mostly healthy, save for the “let’s add water to this sweetened, condensed milk and see if she’ll like it” phase. Note: she liked it, but puked it back up twenty minutes later. She’s also into killing lizards. Not necessarily eating all of it once killed, but she does enjoy the killing itself for sure. She killed one the other day and ate half of it before deciding she’d rather just eat sardines. Seriously, the top half of the lizard was gone, the back legs and tail just sitting all macabre out on my patio, his guts sort of unceremoniously tangled beside him. I know it was a he, too, because of the tiny little ignored gonads on the cement. Of course, they could have been ovaries. I don’t know anything about internal lizard anatomy. I’ve only dissected felines, sharks, and pigs for chrissakes.

So that’s that. My internet is back to being shitty. I have yet to finish filling out my med school application, although I got a good portion done while in Nati. I have about four sections left to finish before June 1st when I’ll be submitting the monster. Hopefully the PSI internet will be superb this week and I can get ‘er done. Ew, I can’t believe I just said “get ‘er done.” How Kansan of me.

Running? What running? I’ve not purposely gone on a run for 9 days now. That’s like completely ceasing all physical activity. Starting up again will be akin to beginning a new exercise routine, ask your doctor style. Again, not sure if the cause is general PC apathy or actual medical fatigue, but I just cannot get my ass out of bed in the morning to go run. By the time I’m up it’s way too freaking hot. I thought this hot season was over, but apparently it has decided to hang out for a bit longer. And, um, rainy season my ass. It’s rained like once in the last month. Of course, it was so intense, the water pooled under my windows and slowly trickled from one end of my house to the other, leaving a lovely wet mark stain. The river Djougs. Anyway, tomorrow I am BEGGING PROMISING FORCING THREATENING myself to get up by 6:30 and JUST GO. I mean, I will never have this much free time to get myself into an acceptable running schedule. I should SERIOUSLY make use of it so that when I’m in med school I have some sort of precedent for getting up at ungodly hours for the HOLY WORK-OUT. We’ll see how it goes.

In general I am sort of shocked that it is already May 21st (yes I’m post-posting this post…haha). My little bros have already finished with school. It’s like SUMMER WOO HOO time there already. Finals are so last week over. Graduations have happened already (well, except for Wellesley’s which is this weekend…holy mother of mothers, has it really been A YEAR since my own graduation??). Labor day marks the beginning of pool season and I am jealous. Of pools, most definitely. Of changing seasons? Um, yes. It’s been like the summer of hell here for 10 months. Windy season, rainy season, hot season. It doesn’t matter. It’s all summer all the time. Which I love. But still. I’m looking forward to my visit home in October. Yay, long sleeves!

Well, that paragraph wasn’t very organized. Oh well. I honestly don’t have much else to talk about. Work? Hmm. Monday I’ll go back to work at the office and will probably get started on end of the month reports. I feel like I just did these for April, but that’s how it goes I guess. I think Tuesday will be much of the same, Wednesday I’ll head over to the maternite for some baby stuff…maybe…they still don’t really know what to do with me. I’m frankly considering not even bothering. I usually just go and sit and watch prenatal consultations which is like boring as shit after the first, I don’t know, million. Thursday I’ll go to the HIV/AIDS testing center, which I actually enjoy. The people there are nice, I can watch cool procedures (like contraception insertions), do some easy peasy paperwork for them, fix their computer (usually just turning it off and then back on again heh), and they have a scale which says I weigh like ten pounds less than I do. So that’s always fun for the ole self-esteem. Then Friday I’m back at PSI. Honestly, I’m not super psyched about the work I do here. Can I say that? Out of the THREE GOALS of Peace Corps, the first one sort of sucks for me. I think that’s the way it is for a lot of volunteers, but whew. I feel better just getting it out there and off my chest. I’m bored with my work. There, I said it. The rest of my “job” here I really really love. Transferring knowledge about America to the Beninese and vice versa. I’m really good at that! Just today I had about five kids hanging out and we talked about American games and I taught them some English. It was fun and 2/3 of what I’m supposed to be doing here. So that’s good. And I guess I don’t always dislike my official work. I like the health center and talking to people casually about health related issues. And I like it when I feel useful at the office. That’s just sort of rare. C’est la vie, quoi. Ou bien?

So that’s that, folks. Not much to see here, move along. I wish I could recount harrowing tales of heroism or breathtaking displays of poverty and the romanticized happiness and carefree attitude of the people or even just talk about how I’m saving African babies and wiping the sweat off my brow with my red-dirt covered palm…but, I’m too busy being lazy and watching my cat eviscerate lizards right now. Maybe tomorrow.

E

PS. I actually DO have a story about traveling through the backwater villages on terre rouge, but I still have to bust it out. I’ll put it up as soon as the creative juices are flowing.

Ew..flow. Heh.

mangoes, kittens, and blogs

It's mango season! I've eaten three in the last two days and they are so good. It's wonderful when they're just a little warm from the sun and the delicious flavor sort of bursts out. Ahhhhh. My tree in my front yard is heavy with them, but apparently there are mangoes made for eating and ones that aren't so healthy and can actually make a person sick, so I'll probably be avoiding the ones in my yard. It's okay though because the marches are selling them for like 50F...or ten cents.

Zaari is settling in nicely. She's still pretty thin because tuna is really the only thing she'll eat. I mix up sardines with the tuna and I'm slowly trying to wean her off the tuna, but it's difficult. She's super picky and only eats if it's fresh out of the can and very moist. Brat! We've been cuddling and playing a lot, too, which is the highlight of my day. I have to confess I got super mad and almost went Beninese on her when she tried to pee on my chair. Instead of smacking her little head (which is what I wanted to do, grrrr) I grabbed her by the scruff of her neck, told her "no" very firmly, and put her in her room and closed the door so I could calm down and give her a time out. She was meowing at a near constant rate that was driving me NUTS but I've been just ignoring her when she does that (after making sure she has water, food, and a clean litter box of course). She's slowed down a bit with it after realizing that she gets no response from me. Sometimes I have to play my music super loud to drown her out. I actually made a mix for her called Zaari's Mix that has a lot of loud hip hop and and rap on it as well as bitchy women singing about scrubs lol. She seems to like it, at least she doesn't meow constantly when it's on! Overall, we're getting alone very well. I haven't taken her to the vet yet, but sometime next week I'll do that so she can get her shots and maybe get spayed.

I've started a new blog over at WordPress about applying to medical school as well as healthcare in America and abroad. I also include a lot of stuff about FOOD because I love it and am always missing out on my favorite stuff here (can you say CHEDDAR CHEESE? Or CUPCAKES?). It's shaping up pretty nicely and I've been spending a lot of time on it, just talking about premed stuff, applying to schools, and the business of medicine in America. If you're bored and/or interested in the process for medical school, you can check it out! If I post here a little less frequently, it's partly due to my time over there. Also it would be because I am currently in the beginning of applying to medical schools which is very time consuming, marathon training (although I have yet to run more than a mile since like November) and also just because my life is indeed pretty routine now and there's not a lot to regularly update about! I'll try though for sure, so don't worry. But I doubt I'll be posting more than once a week.

Take it easy, folks, and as always, let me know if you have any questions or concerns! AND CHECK OUT MY 'DONATE!' PAGE UP ABOVE WITH INSTRUCTIONS HOW TO DONATE TO THE KATE PUZEY FUND TO SUPPORT MY MARATHON RUN AND GIRLS' EMPOWERMENT!

Thanks all and keep it real!

Elaina

Zaari photos

look at me, im a lion! raawwr!

Mete Zaari?

Mete Zaari?

In dendi, that phrase means “how is your day?” Now, to me, it means “How is your new and awesome baby kitten?” Her name is Zaari and she is about 7 weeks old. Her birthday, then, I’m deciding, is February 5th. She is a light orange color with subtle white streaks and a pink nose. Her eyes are a sort of greenish blue grey color. She’s active and likes to explore, but because she’s from an African family, she’s still a bit feral. I’m taking her to the vet here in Djougou probably next week just to get her checked out and get rabies shots. If he’ll do it I’ll also get her spayed then, but she might be considered too young. Otherwise I’ll get her spayed as soon as possible; I only want ONE kitten.

I went to get her this evening when Imorou called me up and asked me if I was ready to go on a ride to get a kitten. I enthusiastically agreed, but was pretty skeptical of the whole situation when he showed up on his moto with a tiny cardboard box full of small holes. I asked him where we were going and he replied “Natitingou.” Which is like 30 miles away.

We ended up just riding for maybe 10 miles before pulling off on a side road and down a smaller twisting terre rouge. We ended up in front of what I later found out was his sister’s house. Three half naked children come running up greeting us in dendi and French and asking for gifts. Imorou, being the business sort of uncle that he is, just barks out an order and they go running off back into the house through the waving curtain that acts as a screen door. Seconds later they come bursting through with two terrified looking kittens.

One was a little plumper than the other. Both girls, I knew already I was going to have to change my name choice from Koyo since I had already planned that out as a boy name. The scrawny one was almost completely black with arrestingly blue eyes. The orange one was fatter, with grey eyes. They were both trembling with fear and when I set them down to see how they played with each other, they both joined forces and darted back underneath the curtain. I followed them inside and saw their mother, looking beat to hell, lying in a corner on the cement floor. Obviously still nursing, she seemed stressed and checked out. The black kitten was no where to be seen; one of the kids went off into the other rooms to look for it. The orange one, she was gnawing on the bristles of a broomstick that was laying near the mother, her fear already forgotten. Clearly it was not an ideal situation because generally I would have preferred happy kittens who liked to play and weren’t scared of people. But in this situation, I chose the fatter, slightly less terrified one.

The ride home was interesting. She definitely did not like her little box and tried to escape several times. It is not easy to carry a struggling kitten on the back of a motorcycle! But we managed to get to my house, buying a can of tuna for us both and a yogurt for me on the way. I immediately did what all the websites have suggested I do: put her in a closed off room with water, food, her bed, and her litter box and left her alone. She started meowing and crying right away, although stopped long enough to eat her tuna. I decided to replenish her food a bit, thinking that she probably wasn’t getting a whole lot of food back at the house. She ate all that, too. An hour or so later, I gave her more with a crushed up cherry tomato and she ate until she was full (and had a couple bites of the tomato, too). I am glad I don’t have to worry about her not eating!

For the first few hours I just let her stay in there; she quieted down after a bit and I chatted with Colt online while he prepped for his job interviews. It rained and thundered for a while and I was nervous about how she’d handle that so I went into the room and read a book on the bed while she explored (ie, stayed mostly under the bed). I talked to her softly, read out loud a bit and just got her used to me. I picked her up a couple times and petted her until she resisted and then set her down on her bed. She still didn’t really respond to me. I put my hand out before I left and she darted back under the bed. I was sad, so I left the room, feeling like we would never connect and she’d be scared of me forever.

I came in later to give her one last piece of tuna before telling her goodnight and giving up until tomorrow. Instead of hiding, though, she came right over to the bowl while I was breaking the fish into smaller pieces. Then I realized with a happy little jolt that she was actually purring! She leaned up against me just a little bit before she ate those last couple bites. Then she went over to her litter box and peed. Just like a normal cat! I just about died with happiness!

Of course, she promptly laid down and tried to sleep on her pee, so you know, I still have a ways to go. But, hey, I count that as a pretty decent start.

So, welcome Zaari. I really hope you don’t die anytime soon.

E