What I'll Miss About Benin (and what I definitely will not miss!)

I have just under 24 hours left in Benin and I've been thinking a lot about my time here over the last year and a half and what I've really come to love and those things that really drive me crazy. I don't know if I'll miss all these things right away or if it'll take months or even years for me to have a craving for something on the list, but who knows? Here it is, my two lists. Warning, it's pretty long.


Things I’ll miss about Benin:

-the sound of women pounding yams at dusk
-the five times per day call to prayer at the mosques around Djougou
-the sound of the rain on my tin roof while I’m laying in bed
-riding on the back of a zem at night with the cool air rushing by
-seeing and wearing colorful fabric and fun outfits everywhere
-women carrying baskets of whatever on their heads
-cute, free roaming, bratty Beninese kids (even though they annoy me, too!)
-adorable baby goats and chickens running around
-yam pilee…sooooo delicious
-wagasi…there are no words for how awesome and unique this food is
-a cold, refreshing beer after a crazy hot day, especially with other PCVs
-hanging out and venting with other volunteers
-the excitement of making American food and drinks with other volunteers
-watching movies at the Nati workstation
-ordering fries at the Nati workstation
-hanging out with my Beninese friends, just sitting or making small talk
-teaching sexual health and seeing the look of understanding in people’s eyes
-greeting strangers on the street
-French, especially Franglais, the combination of French and English
-random sayings like ‘bon assise, bon travail, bon douche.’ It’s just so friendly!
-constant sunshine and feeling like summer (although Chaleur sucks)
-Zaari and cuddling with her…omg, I can’t even think about her, too sad!
-sitting out in my back porch at night smoking a cigarette and looking up at the stars in total silence, feeling small and awed by the world and my place in it
-long runs in the African bush, the red dirt dusting my shoes
-mango season
-joking around with my work partners
-the camaraderie between volunteers and shared experience of living in Africa
-being the center of attention, someone always interesting and worth talking to
-inexpensive and simple living
-lizards running around like squirrels
-the colorful craziness of the market place
-the awesome tan lines on my feet from my Chacos
-the simple joy of eating a good meal and watching an episode of How I Met Your Mother
-the excitement of others when I speak Dendi, the local language
-not having to shave and just being a dirty hippie
-Harmattan, the windy season, and the fires late into the night, burning on the horizon
-the poignancy of the first, cooling rain of the season
-feeling like I’m making a difference in people’s lives, sometimes in unintended ways
-crazy, unexpected setbacks and the lessons learned (although it is very frustrating, too!)
-feeling like I’m part of something bigger than myself

Things I won’t miss about Benin:

-13 hour bus rides in the heat surrounded by BO and noisy chickens and babies
-constant sexual harassment
-extreme pollution and trash everywhere
-Chaleur, the hot season
-frequent power outages and water being cut
-screaming babies and children
-seeing kids get beat and generally abused
-seeing malnutrition and poverty related illness
-feeling ultimately useless in the big picture of development
-waking up hot and sweaty and gross
-always feeling dirty, never perfectly clean all over
-not being able to cool off or stop sweating after a run even hours after a cold shower
-having my privacy constantly invaded by neighbors and kids
-never being able to be anonymous or walk around without getting called out
-YOVO, YOVO, BONSOIR, CA VA BIEN, MERCI!
-getting called "yovo", "batoure", "anasara", "blanche", "blondie", or "mademoiselle"
-pretty much everything in Cotonou except for the good food and workstation internet
-the subtle pressure from some other volunteers to drink and party heavily
-feeling inadequate as a volunteer and aid worker
-boring and carb heavy food options
-constant sickness and diarrhea and constipation
-having to filter water and always be conscious of how safe the water is
-bleaching vegetables to have a fresh salad
-doing laundry by hand
-bugs and spiders and having to spray and kill them
-mosquitoes and weekly malaria prophylaxis
-constant boredom
-missing friends and family and feeling guilty for being so far away
-LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP and all the crappiness that goes with it
-getting physically grabbed at the market place
-the bureaucracy of the Peace Corps
-feeling stranded at post or frustrated with outside communication or internet
-casual cruelty to animals
-the informal attitude toward time and keeping appointments
-hearing creepy rustling sounds at night and freaking out about what it could be
-sunburns and worrying about getting skin cancer
-gross, always dirty and cracked feet
-fearing for my safety on crazy taxi rides
-being frustrated at the slow pace of life (although I’ve learned a lot, too!)
-having to discuter for prices
-feeling lonely and homesick
-being constantly asked for gifts and money and to be taken to America
-Nescafe. That stuff is nasty. I don’t care how desperate you are. Just say no.

Oh, Benin. It's been life changing and amazing and I wouldn't trade it for anything. But I am ready for a change! I'm not sure if I'll be back on this blog except to post my DOS, but if you'd like, you can keep following my life journey, here at my medical school blog on wordpress.

Keep on rocking!

Elaina

ET update, or Acronym City

I said in my last post that the PC administration doesn't make it difficult to early terminate. Well, after finishing up a couple days of processing down in the capital, I'm realizing that they don't exactly make it easy either.

The ET manual closely resembles the Close of Service (COS) one and because I have spent so much time here, most of my process resembles a COS more than it does an ET for someone who has only been in country a few months or never made it to their post or something. I must meet with almost every PC administration person, get many forms filled out and there is a master checklist that I must get signed before I meet with the administrative officer (AO). I have written a Description of Service (DOS, which I'll post here in a follow-up post), and filled out my official resignation form, and had my close of service medical exam (although I still have to talk with the PCMO about my smoking and get my TB test read...fun stuff haha). I have officially turned in all my Peace Corps stuff (mattress, gas cans, etc) and assigned books (Where There Is No Doctor, Helping Health Workers Learn and many many others), and I need to also go to the bank headquarters and close out my account (which involves a letter and basically taking out all the money left in the account). Essentially most of the things remaining that I have to do are administrative things and talking to the Country Director (CD) and the AO and having my final language interview (scheduled for the morning). I have a couple other errands I need to run in Cotonou and a few loose ends to tie up, but for the most part, I've gotten the majority of the necessary procedures finished.

Right now I'm also waiting on confirmation of my Air France flight information, but if all goes according to plan (and really, how likely is THAT going to be haha), I could theoretically be leaving Benin in the evening on Thursday, the 24th. Which, of course, is THANKSGIVING. I'll be able to have a last meal here with a few other volunteers and say some goodbyes and get a couple photos. I'm planning on wearing my nice bazin tissue, the red marbled pants and top that I wore for the new stage swear-in in September. I'm gonna be cute! Peace Corps will provide a ride to the airport with all my things and if all goes well (meaning no horrible two day delay in Paris grrrr), I could be back in Kansas City by the evening on Friday, the 25th. I won't make it for Thanksgiving, but I'll be home in time for leftovers! Woo hoo!

Ok, that's all I can think of for right now, I'll update with my DOS later on today when I think of it. I was pleasantly surprised after finishing it up. I've felt for a long time that I didn't really do that much work-wise, but then I finished writing the DOS and realized that I may have had more of an impact than I thought. Which is a lovely feeling to have as I'm leaving. Ok, talk to you later!

~Elaina

I'll be home for Christmas

Well, it's official! I am leaving the Peace Corps a few months early to go home, help my family out, and make some money before medical school. The decision was definitely a tough one and one I analyzed for a long time before calling the Peace Corps to set it up, but ultimately it's the best thing for me and my family right now. Essentially it came down to the fact that I was going to have to ET anyway, probably in April, and why should I wait around for five months, get back into a routine, and be frustrated and miserable when I could make it home for the holidays? The Peace Corps does not make it difficult to early terminate and once it comes down to a need to ET for grad school, a few extra months seem superfluous in the long run. Sure, I feel a little guilty about leaving my projects and work partners behind (and I am close to traumatized about leaving Zaari), but everyone has been very understanding, especially of the fact that in reality, it's only a few months earlier than expected.

The next couple weeks will be spend filling out pages and pages of forms, figuring out packing and getting Zaari to her new home. She will be going to the home of a PC homologue who has many kids who love animals. I will be able to get updates on her through my Djougou post-mate and in the end, staying here is what is best for her (even if it makes me cry at night haha).

The last year and a half has been completely life altering and amazing and I wouldn't trade it for anything. It had its ups and downs, but doesn't life? Overall, I was happy and feel like I've both done some amazing work here and made many lasting friendships (cue cheesy music now). I'll miss a lot of people, but I would have been saying good-bye in a few months anyway, so I guess it's just ripping off the bandaid early.

All that sad stuff said, I am so incredibly excited to be going home! I'm looking for jobs in tutoring, being a nanny or long-term babysitter, or working as a receptionist at a medical office. I've already applied to over 20 jobs and hopefully I'll start to hear back soon. Apparently moving is sort of expensive...as is getting married and starting a household...(who knew? haha) so I'll be trying to save up as much as possible in the next few months before the wedding and med school.

I also just want to say that there have many times when I've wanted to leave, usually for very emotional reasons not backed by real logical ones. I've missed America and my family and Colt, but I've held out because I'm strong and determined and have never been someone to quit something just because it was hard. While ETing now does indeed solve some of those feelings (completely normal feelings that almost every PCV deals with on occasion), me leaving now is not due to emotional reasons. Right now it's about logic and finances and being a part of my family. Once I reached this point of clarity in thinking about my options, it actually wasn't that stressful of a decision. Ultimately, I'm not upset or struggling with the choice because I've put in enough time for me, personally, to feel accomplished and satisfied with my work and life here. Before I was always worried about regretting the choice later in life, which was a major deterrent to leaving. But now, at this point, with only a few months left, I know that I will have no regrets, only good memories! It helps that everyone I've talked to is supportive and in no way do I feel like a quitter. I loved it here and feel like I'm ending things on a good note at a good time for me.

Benin, it's been real. Stay classy,

Elaina

PS. I'll probably be back on to give a few ET updates for interested people and I may update again once I'm permanently back in the states. I can't believe this blog is ending! It's been such a big thing in my life for a long time now and it's going to be weird. I'll link my new, med school blog here and again in my final post. Yay, for turning the page!

A Hundred Fans

My standing fan is broken and I am sweating in my hot little house as I finish the movie. I’m frustrated and itching for a cigarette. I’m thinking about tomorrow and the early trip I am taking to the regional workstation where I know I have a package from America waiting for me. I am planning my vacation, thinking about dinner tomorrow night, thinking about anything other than where I am right now, bored and alone in my hot, airless house.
I step outside as the credits start and I shut off my computer. I rummage through my purse until I find the battered box of local cigarettes with the inked label “last pack ever” across the lid. I sit in my bamboo chair and strike a match, my cat following me out the screen door to catch bugs in the florescent glow of my back porch light. I smoke there and notice the silence that has fallen in my neighborhood. All I can hear are the cicadas and the whirring of my small refrigerator fan, and the occasional moto engine in the distance. I’ve missed the sounds of the women pounding yams, or the children playing soccer with an old deflated tennis ball. Even the mosque is quiet, the evening call to prayer not even a whisper on the wind.
And there is a breeze out here, I realize. Once I step outside my cement house the cool air hits me and I wrap my pagne around myself a little tighter, enjoying the cool feeling, knowing that I’ll be sleeping soon without the comforts of a fan, wishing a had a hundred of them. I decide I want to travel to exotic places when my service here is over. I want to be a world traveler. I think about that for a while, filling my passport with stamps, taking trips with my lover, leaving the hypothetical kids at home. Mommy and Daddy trips, we’ll call them. We’ll eat local foods and learn local language. I think about those days in the future while I finish my cigarette.
I’m not ready to go inside yet. For some reason I feel like I’m missing something out here and as the winds shift I understand what that is. I am here right now. I am living here. I live in Africa. I live in Africa. Instead of berating myself for not living in the moment, I just stop thinking and listen to that silence. I watch Zaari as she intently stalks a carpenter ant and I really see her in this moment. I don’t think about the future, or my trips, or how hot I’ll be sleeping under my mosquito net tonight. I even manage to not try to guess what’s waiting for me in my American package. I just let myself go as silent as the night, and empty everything else in my life. I close my eyes and take a deep breath and find that quite unexpectedly, I am happy. I drink it in, feeling the world as simply a part of my happiness, as part of the love that I have for myself, for Zaari, for that carpenter ant.
It doesn’t last very long and soon I am wondering if there are Oreos waiting for me tomorrow and debating whether or not I should order French fries for dinner. I set my watch for three minutes and decide to meditate. I know I should get back into the habit and I’ve always felt centered after doing so. I cross my legs over the bamboo armrests and close my eyes again, forgetting the time, forgetting dinner, clearing everything away but my smile and the love I feel for the whole world. I think of myself as a small island with all the stress and frustrations swirling around me and disappearing into the earth through the legs of my chair. I breath deeply and every time my mind wanders I gently bring myself back to the center of myself, my island of calm and peace. When my watch beeps I am genuinely surprised. It had felt like 30 seconds, like I had just begun to find that peace. I stand and stretch, the pagne falling to my feet. I am here, in this moment under the African sky. I will not be shaken; we are all as one. I take another deep breath for good measure and decide to take a quick bucket shower to rinse off before climbing into bed for the night.
As I step over to my shower I see a small spider is floating at waist level, diligently building a web in the evening glow. I watch her work with a small smile on my lips. Typically freaked out by spiders I am impressed with my own calm, a direct result of my awesome meditation and powers of living in the moment, I think. She is, however, blocking my entrance to my shower. I wiggle my finger in the space around her, thinking I guess of lifting her web and depositing her elsewhere so that I can cool off in the water and go to bed in peace. Instead of just allowing me to move her, however, the spider rapidly climbs up the web and onto my hand. Immediately my calm peaceful meditation mindset vanishes and I am totally freaking out, wiping my hands together, jumping up and down, heart beat racing, praying that the damn thing is dead and not crawling over my naked skin burrowing in to lay her freaky baby spider eggs.
As my heart slows and I am sure that I am not the future host for a hundred spider babies, I start to laugh. Quiet at first and then full out cracking up. I actually have to lay my hand against the wall to steady myself (after making sure there are no bugs of course). I laugh for longer than I meditated, until my eyes are tearing up and I’m sure that nothing makes any sense anymore at all and that’s okay. I don’t have to be a balanced work of art, I can be a messy finger painting. I don’t think I could live in the moment, every moment even if I really wanted to and devoted my entire life to it. I need to plan, I need to think about the future, tomorrow, my vacations, my trips, my package from America with the possible Oreos. That’s who I am and that’s really alright, too.
I pour a couple of bowls of cool water over my back and smile, loving the cold chill of the simplicity of it, loving my body, myself. I close my eyes and rinse off the day, the stresses and frustrations, the heat, and I am content. As I step out and pick up my fallen wrap I realize that I had just spent the last few minutes living in the moment without even trying, just actually being and experiencing life. I grin to myself as I shut my screen door and put Zaari to bed.
As I climb under my mosquito net I decide that I might spend the entire night feeling too hot, wishing I had a fan, wishing I was somewhere else, but that when it really counts I can find my own inner peace, too. And that knowledge is worth a hundred fans.

back to the blogosphere

I don't really like that word "blogosphere," but I suppose that's what this world is, a little sphere. I know that right now, while I'm specifically blogging about Peace Corps life, is the time when I will probably have the most followers, the most people who regularly read my thoughts about life. It's interesting to know that the scope of this blog has gotten pretty wide. In a lot of ways, that's exactly what I wanted. I wanted to share my experiences with the rest of the world. In other ways, though, it's a bit nerve wracking. Clearly, the powers that be ARE paying attention to what we write, and the idea of censorship just makes me feel pretty icky all over. Because I'm applying to med school right now, I don't want to mess with it, though. Part of me definitely feels that if the Peace Corps thinks something on my blog is inappropriate, med schools would probably agree, and so ultimately it's only a good thing that I am censoring myself, even if it came about through third party censorship. So really, in the long run, no harm done.

And the point of all that was to say: I'm not going anywhere! I'll stop the cursing and maybe think twice about posting negative thoughts, but other than that, I'm sticking around. I still have a lot of time left and a lot of things still to say about the Peace Corps, about Africa, about Benin, and about my life. And I know y'all are still listening, so thank you.

I'm updating my wish list to include more vegan, gluten-free items (more on that later...with a recipe and pictures!), and I'll be posting a few entries today and working on med school applications all day. I'm in Cotonou, just living it up. I live in Africa, man. And life is good.

A food post!

So it's been awhile since I posted pics up here and since I'm at the workstation in Nati I thought I'd drop by to post some of my favorite kind of photos: FOOD!

The food here is amazing, honestly. Most of the time I cook for myself in my little kitchen, lots of couscous, oatmeal, pasta with tomato sauces with onions and other random veggies. I also like to add soy cheese (basically tofu). I've started really getting into black eyed peas, too. They take a while to cook, but are so much healthier than a bowl full of bleached pasta. Every now and again I'll do something fancy, like make a pizza or attempt a dessert. I had a cookies phase...which is essentially satisfied by cooking in a dutch oven, very interesting. You can probably find a picture of one on the internet. Imagine that, but more ghetto and you've got my oven. I also used to bake my own bread, but I'm trying to lesse the carbs a bit if possible and trying to get into tip top shape. I figure I'll never really have this kind of time again to devote to it, so I might as well take advantage. That doesn't stop me from enjoying my watche, yam pilee, and wagasi, however. One good thing about yam pilee? It's not processed white, empty calories. You're actually getting some bang for your buck there in nutrients. Woo hoo!

Anyway, here's some food fotos:

Watche and wagasi. The watche is rice and beans and the wagasi is that fried cheese that is amazing and might be the only food I really actually miss. Must be eaten with cold, natural sugar coke. Ah.

This is mango pie. We made it up in Nati yesterday at the workstation. Mary is a genius. I had it for breakfast today and it was awesome.

This is from my three month "let's pretend I eat meat" phase. This was taken at Chateau Vert, an amazing chicken and fries place in Djougou across from my office. You have to order an hour in advance, but it's worth it. That's Colt on the side there, dipping his french fries in this delicious tomato and onion sauce they serve avec les frites ici.

This picture didn't load quite right, but it's the New Years cake Colt and I made when he was here. It's chocolate and amazing. Affissa tried it and thought it was fabulous. Ah cake. Thanks to Alex for providing the mix. It was loved.

Colt eating yam pilee for his last time in Djougou. He started getting pretty skilled at it by the end. 

Me eating yam pilee. The pounded yams are stickier than mashed potatoes and you scoop up the sauce (usually a tomato, onion, palm oil mix of awesomeness, occasionally with a peanut sauce that is my absolute favorite) with the piece of squished yam. If lucky, you'll also have a few pieces of wagasi to snatch up to make the perfect combo. And of course, a cold coke next to ya.

This is the coconut curry at Hong Kong's in Cotonou. This meal is like real Chinese food. I can sometimes be tricked into thinking I am in Americaland when I eat out in Cotonou. This meal was awesome...but so expensive I've never been back!

Colt at Livingstone's, the expat hangout in Cotonou. The pizza is expensive but real. I think it's good even by American standards, but I am a fan of thin crust pizza. Colt was unimpressed I think, but screw him. He can get Papa Murphy's whenever he wants! Ahhh, pizza. I blow some money here pretty much every time I'm in Cotonou. 

Not really a meal, per se. But this packet of barbecue sauce I got from Becca was a vrai delight on some watche. I wish I had some more. See how excited I am about it??

This was our delicious attempt at crispy potato soft tacos. The purple bowl is filled with chopped up and fried potatoes with taco seasoning. The green bowl has an awesome fresh salsa I made with guacamole, tomato, onion, and pimantes with a dash of lime and salt. The strainer has fresh, bleached, chopped up lettuce, those are definitely homemade tortillas in the back and we made a ranch-like dressing for the typical Taco Bell ranch sauce they put on top. We didn't have shredded cheese, but what do you want? Eggs in your beer? Geez.

Here we are pounding some yams for our dinner at Affissa's house. We pounded just long enough to get this photo, haha. Colt is such a dork.

Lapain and frites (rabbit and fries) et La President's in Porto Novo. This was the first meat I purposefully ate (there was the auspicious hot dog incident of 2008), and this rabbit was fabulous. I thought it was amazing and I wondered why I had been a vegetarian so long. Then I went to America and ate meat there for a month and wondered why the hell I would even bother eating meat in this country. So I'm a vegetarian again...after a short vegan stint in March and April. But that rabbit still looks good, huh?

Another Livingstone's pizza shot. I mean, Matt looks awesome, Scott is mid mouthful, how could I not post this pic? Eat that pizza, Matt!!!

Oh, wow, three Livingstone pictures. I mean, I thought this epic cheese string was pretty badass. And note my cool Beninese soccer jersey. Their team is the Squirrels. 

After all that food, pretty much we just go out for beers. It's the best staple of any good Peace Corps Volunteer's diet!

I hope you enjoyed the pictures! 

Taking the leap

I've been thinking about faith lately, contemplating the reasons we believe in certain things and choose to allow so called reason to take the reigns on others. Do we choose these distinctions or do they just somehow develop? Can the balance shift and should we seek out challenges to encourage our assumptions to change?

Something I've been feeling in the last 9 months is that what we know to be true is never static as long as we allow it to grow. Ideas, beliefs, faith--all these things are dynamic and should be dynamic for social and personal change to really be affected. We can so easily get caught in our knowledge, in what we know to be true, that we forget how to learn, forget that discovery comes from the sometimes unforeseeable opening of the mind.

I've become so jaded while here. I came to Africa thinking change was possible and somehow along the way my thoughts shifted to a deadlock. Everywhere I looked I saw roadblocks to change from the very people who could benefit the most. All the stereotypes we laughingly discussed at the beginning of training seemed to be true. From believing that people here wanted my help to assuming that I was irrelevant and unwanted, my truth made a complete shift. I struggled with finding friendships among women who seem to just perpetuate the injustices against them, and men who daily and constantly harass me to the point of demoralization. Sometimes I really do just want to give up because I know that nothing I do here is going to have any sort of impact in the long run, so what's the point?

Volunteers get together and binge drink. Sometimes there's a therapeutic bitch session where we complain about the administration, the country, the people, the corruption, but mostly people just drink themselves into a stupor so they don't have to think about it at all. It's cathartic in its own way, I suppose, but not particularly helpful and not something that I participate in often. There's something so juvenile about it, like being trapped in a frat house party where no one seems to justify the real occasion. I'm not trying to blame the volunteers; life here is difficult and frustrating so much of the time. But we do get so trapped into our own assumptions and our own frustrations that no one really says anything about anything anymore. It's just the same thing every time, hoping to pass the time away so we'll be one more day closer to being finished with the pointlessness of these two years.

The last three weeks I've been paying my thirteen year old neighbor girl to come over to my house on Saturdays and help me with my laundry. I get everything set up, she washes, and I help her hang the clothes up to dry. She's quick and efficient and gets 500F out of it, which is a pretty good deal for us both. This last Saturday she didn't show up at the time we had agreed on, 10am, which was extremely irritating for me. I assumed that she had either forgotten or didn't care enough to respect my time or her money and I was grumbling pretty angrily to myself while I started doing the laundry on my own. I was starting to scrub a t-shirt when I thought to myself that perhaps something had happened, maybe there was an emergency. Of course that would be my first thought if I was paying an American girl to come over and help me. I would immediately worry about her and want to check up to make sure she was okay, not angrily assume that she had ditched me for some other more interesting activity. Why did I make the choice to be upset with my neighbor for those reasons? Was it a choice? I tend to think yes it was.

 I am conditioned to think the worst of my fellow neighbors because time and time again, the worst is what I've seen. When a Beninese man comes up to me, my first instinct is to be aggressive and dismissive. I am rude automatically because so often I am harassed. Is this fair? I don't know. I'm not sure if it was wrong for me to assume that my neighbor had ditched me. But when she showed up, an hour later, she explained that she was making lunch for her little sister and brother because their mother was traveling somewhere and couldn't make it to my house on time. She said that she would have called but that her family cannot afford a cell phone. Immediately I felt both guilty and elated. Guilty because I had assumed that she was just being lazy and in reality she was working much harder than myself. Elated because a small part of my cynicism had been chipped away by this girl with her honesty and strength. I realized, for just a moment, that my time here did not have to be shaped by the static preconceptions I'd developed, and all I felt then was joy.

As far as faith goes, I know that nothing is certain. I know that challenging our assumptions is the only way to get to a place of acceptance, of peace, because if we let ourselves, we will be surprised by small acts that alter our perceptions. Before I got here, I knew I would change the world. Three months ago I knew I wasn't going to make it all the way through my service. Today I know that with an open heart and mind, I can be changed. I wonder what I'll know tomorrow?

New Look

I went through my templates and updated the blog with a friendlier interface. There's an American theme going on now with the red, white, and blue, but it's subtle enough to not be overwhelming. I've also added pages up top where you can now find my application time line and my wish list, as well as a more detailed 'about me' section for your viewing pleasure. I'm hoping to make this blog a little more enjoyable to read by including more stories and anecdotes of my life abroad, so check back soon. And as always, let me know if you have any questions or concerns!

Just a Tuesday Morning Development Discussion

October 5, 2010

I am having a conversation with Alain, a work partner here at PSI and he is trying to speak English. It is not easy to understand and we are both trying to get connected to the wifi in the office that has been spotty for the last few days. I wish that the air conditioner was turned on, but they never have it on in the mornings.

“It is not very fast,” he says slowly, deliberately, typing something on his laptop.

“Well, this is Africa.” I smile when I say it, teasing, but I am frustrated. Immediately I regret the comment as his eyebrows raise, surprised. He smiles back, but there is tension now.

“It is always fast in America?” He doesn’t look at me.

“Oui.” There is a long moment of silence, something that has just started getting less awkward for me, but now I feel like my months of habituation haven’t happened.

And then: “Tell me why you are here. What are your ideas to help the development of Africa.” He smiles when he asks, but I can feel the anticipation filling the space between us. I don’t know how to answer anymore. If he had asked me months ago I would have said something about providing my time and skills to the people here to help them help themselves, but honestly I have not felt particularly useful in weeks.

When I got here I thought that my idealism was held in check. I thought of myself as someone who was skeptical of the whole idea of aid work and that I had read enough so that naïveté was the last thing I brought with me. Well, it wasn’t true. I don’t think I was lying to myself exactly, but I was definitely clouding some truths about what I wanted to accomplish here. I would have thought that I could answer a simple question about what I hope to do here for the next two years.

But I don’t have any answers and that sounds so cynical it makes my stomach hurt.

Travels to....AFRICA

11:10pm EST, JFK airport, USA

I’m typing this in the JFK airport, but I don’t actually have internet access…this is my first attempt at a word document to flash drive transfer blog post! I hear a very nasty rumor that internet cards don’t work with Windows 7 starter…which, incidentally, is the operating system of my beautiful new netbook. Sooooo, I could end up with no computer access at post. BUT, I am pretty sure I’ll be able to get online relatively regularly while in the capital, during training until September. It’s after that that is unknown. And if I can’t do the online thang while at post, I’ll be typing on my netbook’s word processor and taking my flash drive with me to the headquarters once or twice a week if possible. If I’m close by. I reeeally hope I am c lose to the main cities.

We’ve just been hanging out here for the last like 6 hours and I am starting to get hungry again haha. That sub sandwhich was goooood. Me and a couple dudes from the group went out on a pretty suhweet Philly tour and saw the liberty bell, Independence Hall, and all sorts of crazy Philadelphian nonsense. In the process I procured a tasty sub and worked my way through it during the next several hours. It was awesome. But, I don’t think it will be my last meal, since we still have an hour before boarding and I am feasting my eyes on a delicieux croissant. MMMMMMM, oui oui! Au revior for now, mes chers!

2:00am EST, Somewhere over the Atlantic, Int’l waters

EXHAUSTED. I can’t sleep though…and I’m not actually sure what time it is.

7:00pm Cotonou, Benin

Ooook, so I sort of stopped chronicaling my travels, but I am now actually in AFRICA!

4:07pm Benin/10:07am CST, Peace Corps Headquarters, Cotonou, Benin

So here I am! Alive and well. I just updated facebook and sent emails to mom, dad, and colt...and the best thing ever: CALLED COLT! We talked for about 7 minutes after I woke him up and it was soooooooooo goooooooooooood. I bought credit for a different volunteer's phone and she let me use hers. I felt so happy to hear from him and he was so adorable. OH man, this long distance thing sucks!

But Africa is cool. Well, actually it's pretty hot outside right now, but not ridiculous. And there's been a nice breeze actually around the hotel we're staying at. I have a mosquito net, and a flushable toilet and shower head with cold water, but it's fine because it's better than hot.

But I think we're actually getting ready to leave now...and I need to let colt know my schedule on facebook...so I should get a moving!

I'll definitely have more later!

E

PS. We saw tiny frogs the size of like a big ant! It was freakish! And lizards are everywhere! And I have so much else to write about!

Going to........BENIN!

BENIN!


I so called it!

I am so happy right now! Top choice ftw!

I am leaving for staging July 14th, training in Porto Novo until September 17th and then it's life as a community health advisor!

I am soooo stoked!

I'll be back later with more information!

E

Eeny Meeny Miny Mo

Ok I can't help it. I've created a pro/con list for each country to help me work through my thoughts before I actually have to absorb the placement. I know it probably seems a bit neurotic, but it helps me. And it also serves as procrastination since I've gotten all caught up on all the television shows I watch!

Benin

pros: Jungles, the typical African atmosphere with humidity and heat! I've read a lot about Benin and feel a connection with the country already from spending hours imagining myself in the place of many PCV bloggers. West African culture is something I don't want to miss. Beaches. Higher standards of living than the others. Very democratically stable comparatively.

cons: Humidity sucks. Could be primarily speaking a super specific local language that may not be useful after the peace corps.

Mali

pros: Deserts and dry heat. West African culture ftw! Cool rock climbing locations. A lot of sweet history. Wicked music festival in the desert each year. Maybe I'd get placed in the village of the RPCV who wrote Mango Rains?

cons: No beaches, very landlocked. Lower standard of living than Benin/ is one of the top two most difficult programs for PC volunteers to serve in, I've heard.

Niger

pros: West Africa, desert. Cool Muslim influences. And still on the main land. Fulfulde is a cool sounding language, too.

cons: hot and dry. Very poor country and very politically unstable. PCVs have had to evacuate in the past.

Madagascar

pros: Madagascar is way cool. People know about it and think it's awesome. Malagasy is pretty sweet sounding. The "8th continent" has a lot of unique biodiversity and NICE weather. This is pretty much the only one of my options where the weather won't suck/be ridiculously hot all the time, but is still Africa. And super close to Tanzania where the amazing Lauren will be serving!

cons: Is it really Africa, though? It's not on the mainland which is a MAJOR bummer. There was a lot of political instability last year and the PC program was suspended for some time and only just re-opened up. There are only 11 volunteers there right now! I also really don't want to listen to people singing "I like to move it move it" constantly before I go.

So there's that! Murphy's law says that my placement will be Madagascar but we'll see. I'd be super happy no matter where I end up but I'll be honest up front that I would prefer the mainland. But if that's not in the cards for me, I'll make the most of it. Lemonade and all that.

E

the Top 5 Fears post

Ok! Ashleigh set hers up a few weeks ago and I really liked the idea of laying it all on the line. What am I most freaked out about when I think about my Peace Corps service in Africa? (and no, missing diet coke is not REALLY something that goes in the top 5. Definitely top 10 though. Maybe number 6 actually haha).

H'okay. Descending order for added dramz

5. Unwanted creatures in my living space. I'm talking creepy crawlies getting onto my bed while I'm sleeping, giant scorpions, big spiders, mosquitoes buzzing next to my ears freaking me out, flies, bats, mangy dogs, goats, children. Haha, not kids. I don't mind them. But seriously! I read all these stories of PC volunteers who are just so nonchalant about the freaky bugs! Like the ones that lay their eggs in your drying laundry and then they hatch and burrow into your skin?!?!? WTF? Yeah, not so excited for that. Maybe this should be higher on my list of fears lol.

4.Inability to communicate with others. I'm really worried that a) my French is going to suck, b) my host family or people at post won't even speak French, or c) my ability to learn a local language is going to be so bad that I'll end up making odd hand gestures to people to convey important messages, like "there's a giant scorpion in my bed" (for example)

3.Difficulty with maintaining vegetarianism. I really don't want to eat fish heads, cow's eyes, monkey brains, any variety of intestines or hearts, or hell, even plain old beef, chicken, lamb, goat, boar, or cat. I haven't willingly eaten meat in 6 years and I'd really like to not have to start again. I'm worried that I'll offend someone when I try to explain that I am not going to eat the lamb they sacrificed in my honor. But maybe they'll just laugh because I can't remember the right verb for "eat."

2. Ineffectualness. I am really worried that my time with the PC will end up being a waste of time for the community I live with. I'm concerned that I won't be able to help with any lasting sustainable changes or improvements and I'm concerned that I don't even have the expertise to be presuming I have any idea about how to make those changes in the first place. I read a lot of blogs of PCVs who are just bored a lot of the time, hanging out in the village, trying to kill scorpions and just reading a lot of paperback novels. I don't think I'll be very good at just hanging out. But maybe my hands will be full avoiding mutton and stray children.

1. Missing my fiance. I know already it's going to be hard. I just don't want it to be so hard that I can't integrate and I worry that it might be for a while at least. This ties in with the fear of not having access to outside communication because being able to talk to him will make the difference. As long as we can talk either on the phone, via text, skype, letters, email, whatever, a few times a week, I know I'll be fine. The idea of going a week without hearing from him at all, though, can make me burst into tears just thinking about it now.

So there ya go. Basically, my worst fear is a compilation of all of those things and would look something like this:

I'm in a hot little room and I am staring down a huge spider. There is sweat dripping down my back and I don't want to move because I'm pretty sure there are more of his brethren where he comes from (which seems to be my clothes hamper). I want my host dad to come and smash it with my flip flop, but I have no idea how to explain why I want him to come into my room without resulting to ridiculous hand gestures that just make the whole family crack up and laugh together in a language that I only know three words of. I haven't talked to Colt in 5 days and my stomach is cramping from either parasites or the unknown meat I consumed earlier in an effort to not offend my Muslim host family. All I want to do is turn on a fan and sleep after saying good night to my boy, but there's no electricity and my pay-by-the-minute cell phone is dead. There's a mosquito buzzing near my ear and the stare down continues.

Isn't that like the worst thing ever?? The fact that I still want to go, even after picturing that little scene means I must really want it!

What are your top 5 Peace Corps fears?

E

a history of my love affair with africa

I was 12 when I first fell in love with Africa. I was in between Harry Potter books and needed something to fill the addiction gap in my heart. I found the historical detective novels of Elizabeth Peters based around British Egyptologists in the late 1800s. My stepmom, Jeni, and I read through the series one summer and into my 7th grade year and Egypt came alive for me. More than just the ancient history, Egypt was a mysterious place even for the characters that lived and worked there. I got lost in the Cairo streets and actually cried when I found out that they don't actually let tourists climb the Great Pyramids anymore. I was ravenous for more. I knew all the dynasties by heart, the methods of mummification, the various forms of the Egyptian language and quite a lot of the hieroglyphics. I even began teaching myself Arabic and at one point before 8th grade could actually read aloud the curling letters, although I did not know much of what I was reading.

I imagined myself as first an Egyptologist and then as an anthropologist, studying not only the ancient cultures, but that of the people living there today. I definitely had an academic perspective about the whole thing, although a lot of my perceptions were flawed, based on fiction books set over a century ago. I'd like to think that I never patronized the hypothetical people of my future studies, but I don't really think there's any middle schooler out there that really grasps the idea of white privilege and true development work.

My concept of Africa was heavily influenced by Egypt until I was 15 and my concept of the future replaced from the removed analysis of the social scientist to the directly impacting physician. I saw Dr. Carter on ER when I was in 9th grade and his visits to the Congo transformed my assumptions and broadened my interests exponentially. I first attached onto medicine and decided that it was ethically irresponsible to study people and not help them when I had the possibility to aid them. Soon after I exhausted my initial drive for information about medicine in general, I gravitated back to Africa. I studied the philosophies of the people and read about dictators and the history of the oppression of apartheid. I read about the Rwanda genocides and tried to educate myself as best as I could about the continent and the challenges that have been consistently faced by the people there. I was, and still am, continuously shocked that a place of such rich history, the birthplace of humanity, is so often blatantly disregarded by the international community. I have essentially decided that it is racism, pure and simple.

Throughout my college career I have developed my academic passions for development work and development economics. My interest in both medicine and economics are intimately tied to Africa. I have pursued academic literature on agricultural practices in Subsaharan Africa as well as environmental economic ties to population growth, GNP, and politics. I have learned extensively about justice issues in women's health as applied to international cases and issues. The only thing I have not done is formally major or minor in Africana studies. I chose a more indirect route by selecting biology and econ, but in my spare time have voraciously read Jeffrey Sachs and Amartya Sen. All this academic work has only strengthened my passion for the continent, my belief that the most vulnerable people are the ones most ignored by those with the most power, and the fact that I am not content to study and analyze. I must do something. I must use my hands. I have to hold a child or build a latrine. I cannot keep Africa as an abstract concept for me anymore; I am compelled to do.

I've worried for some time that this instant gratification streak of mine is somehow anti-intellectual, that after all my time at one of the top liberal arts colleges in the world all I want to do is weigh babies and sleep under the African sky. Shouldn't I leave the down and dirty for those less privileged to my education? Well, no. And I'll tell you why. And it's definitely not white, liberal guilt.

In my framework of justice, guilt has no place. Justice to me is not about getting what people are due in this world. That view is antiquated and doesn't meet most ethical standpoints these days. To me, and others who chose such epistemological pursuits, justice means seeing one another rightly, using love to view those most vulnerable, and ascribing dignity and equal value to all persons at birth. Justice means not treating people as embodiments of stereotypes and respecting each person's inherent autonomy. In my opinion, activism is simply making sure the world knows about this framework of justice. I am compelled, no, obligated, to act on the principles that I have learned about in theory if I judge them to be true. And I do. I believe with a near religious fervor in the ideas of loving rightly and transforming my intellectual study of development into action. In fact, because I am privileged to be white in this racist world, I have a pretty big obligation to educate myself and to give back. Guilt does not play into it, only fact.

Africa has been screwed over and romanticized for hundreds of years. I've been talking about how fucked up that is since I was 12 years old and it's about damn time that I actually got my ass over there and gained something more than theoretical backing to my claims.

So come on placement office, I've been waiting for this since 1999.

Elaina

On the woes of knowing too much

It's official-->someone has gotten a Mali invite from the health extension peeps. It's been announced on PC wiki and the future PCVs facebook group. Some guy knows he's going to Mali beginning on July 1st. Well, geez. I am going to send in my CPR certificate update tonight to the placement office and hopefully I will know soon.

Knowing that they are clearly giving out invitations from my program nomination is just completely nerve wracking and does not encourage me to try and fight my growing case of the unrelated to RAS syndrome, senioritis.

I think what I am going to do here is take a deep breath. Do it with me, my fellow applicants. In.........and out......sigh.

As long as it's Africa, I will be happy with my invitation, whenever it shall arrive. Happiness all around!

And, I thought I'd leave you with the words that I am officially getting tattooed on my body next week. (it will be healed in plenty of time for the Peace Corps):

let the future say of our generation that we sent forth mighty currents of hope, and that we worked together to heal the world.

E

*edit* I just found out Ashleigh has received contact with her placement officer! That seems to be the first step in getting the invite...the first contact, fishing out the details of the invite to come...the request for updated resume, romantic involvement forms, etc....please, oh peace corps placement gods, shine your love on me this week. I have also just sent in my CPR certification card copies to the placement office, so hopefully I'll hear SOMETHING soon **

On Track!

After a couple months of worry, I decided to try to get in touch with someone to figure out what was up. So I emailed my recruitment officer who told me that everything looked completely on track and to let her know if I hadn't heard about an official invitation by MARCH. MARCH!! That's like 2 months away from now! This whole process is really testing my ability to go with the flow. I usually label myself as a laid back, obsessive planner...which seems like a mutally exclusive combination, but it fits me!

"On track" to me indicates a couple important things. Namely that I am still being considered for my original program that I was nominated for: Health Extension in Francophone Africa leaving July 2010. That means that my conditional medical clearance doesn't seem to be hindering my ability to get an invitation to a West African country. Yay! I decided that I really don't want to go anywhere else, so the fact that Africa is still on the table is pretty darn important for my future as a PCV!

I've also started trying to figure out what country I'm heading for...which is fun to do when I'm procrastinating for the MCAT (which...is tomorrow incidentally). Looking at the Peace Corps Wiki shows that Benin is the most likely (based on staging dates), but another possibility could be Mali (staging dates the last couple years seem to be July...so...yeah). It doesn't seem like my dream locale, Senegal, is on the list for most likely, but you never know with those crazy Peace Corps cats.

As for here, it's cold as can be (I thought I just left the insane cold that was this Kansas winter!!?) but I guess a cold New England winter is not out of the ordinary, haha. This weather makes me want Africa all the more. Seriously, I would be in heaven to have sweat dripping down my body out in the sun right now. But I'm a big kitty cat so that makes sense.

Ok, MCAT mode. Later!

-Elaina