I'll be home for Christmas

Well, it's official! I am leaving the Peace Corps a few months early to go home, help my family out, and make some money before medical school. The decision was definitely a tough one and one I analyzed for a long time before calling the Peace Corps to set it up, but ultimately it's the best thing for me and my family right now. Essentially it came down to the fact that I was going to have to ET anyway, probably in April, and why should I wait around for five months, get back into a routine, and be frustrated and miserable when I could make it home for the holidays? The Peace Corps does not make it difficult to early terminate and once it comes down to a need to ET for grad school, a few extra months seem superfluous in the long run. Sure, I feel a little guilty about leaving my projects and work partners behind (and I am close to traumatized about leaving Zaari), but everyone has been very understanding, especially of the fact that in reality, it's only a few months earlier than expected.

The next couple weeks will be spend filling out pages and pages of forms, figuring out packing and getting Zaari to her new home. She will be going to the home of a PC homologue who has many kids who love animals. I will be able to get updates on her through my Djougou post-mate and in the end, staying here is what is best for her (even if it makes me cry at night haha).

The last year and a half has been completely life altering and amazing and I wouldn't trade it for anything. It had its ups and downs, but doesn't life? Overall, I was happy and feel like I've both done some amazing work here and made many lasting friendships (cue cheesy music now). I'll miss a lot of people, but I would have been saying good-bye in a few months anyway, so I guess it's just ripping off the bandaid early.

All that sad stuff said, I am so incredibly excited to be going home! I'm looking for jobs in tutoring, being a nanny or long-term babysitter, or working as a receptionist at a medical office. I've already applied to over 20 jobs and hopefully I'll start to hear back soon. Apparently moving is sort of expensive...as is getting married and starting a household...(who knew? haha) so I'll be trying to save up as much as possible in the next few months before the wedding and med school.

I also just want to say that there have many times when I've wanted to leave, usually for very emotional reasons not backed by real logical ones. I've missed America and my family and Colt, but I've held out because I'm strong and determined and have never been someone to quit something just because it was hard. While ETing now does indeed solve some of those feelings (completely normal feelings that almost every PCV deals with on occasion), me leaving now is not due to emotional reasons. Right now it's about logic and finances and being a part of my family. Once I reached this point of clarity in thinking about my options, it actually wasn't that stressful of a decision. Ultimately, I'm not upset or struggling with the choice because I've put in enough time for me, personally, to feel accomplished and satisfied with my work and life here. Before I was always worried about regretting the choice later in life, which was a major deterrent to leaving. But now, at this point, with only a few months left, I know that I will have no regrets, only good memories! It helps that everyone I've talked to is supportive and in no way do I feel like a quitter. I loved it here and feel like I'm ending things on a good note at a good time for me.

Benin, it's been real. Stay classy,

Elaina

PS. I'll probably be back on to give a few ET updates for interested people and I may update again once I'm permanently back in the states. I can't believe this blog is ending! It's been such a big thing in my life for a long time now and it's going to be weird. I'll link my new, med school blog here and again in my final post. Yay, for turning the page!

A May Update

Things have been pretty relaxed around here, treading precipitously on lazy I dare say.

After IST, I spent a couple nights in Nati to just wind down, use some awesome internet, and catch the tail end of Mango Olympics, the Peer Support Network (PSN) program of the year. I had a very nice time, actually. I streamed the three most recent episodes of Grey’s Anatomy (holy love of all that is holy, that workstation internet is fast!), had myself a few beers with some good friends, and had my fair share of the deliciousness that was the mango pie that Mary made (see last post for da foto). I lounged around with glee, knowing that Imorou, my work partner back in Djougou, was still out of town on formation that I was not invited to (because of the IST business). I also got to talk to Colt for the first time in like A MILLENIUM, which was amazing and very very needed.

Since being back from Nati, I have been feeling a little under the weather. I’m not sure if this is general Peace Corps related apathy (oh no, I have nothing scheduled for months and am just going to DIE here of boredom) or a little bacterial infection. Maybe it’s malaria, but the no fever thing sort of rules that out. That and the insane, liver-destroying prophylaxis we take weekly. So I just gave myself a couple days to chill out. Yesterday, I actually went an entire day without seeing another human being and can I just say that it was lovely? It was my first alone day in like weeks.

Part of my misanthropy is a direct result of my having been robbed. Not like someone broke into my house or anything like that, but my cell phone was stolen from me. I, of course, stupidly left it on the bus on the way back from IST, and when I asked the bus people about it, they were clueless…meaning it has been taken. Which sucks. Honestly, though, I’ve been nonplussed about the whole thing. I mean, I was annoyed for sure, but when I really started thinking about it, I figured that there wasn’t really anything I could do about it, except get a new one. So I came back to Djougou planning on zemming out to the MTN store to try to get a new sim card with the same number. That plan was stymied, however, when I got out of the taxi and discovered that my helmet had been stolen. That’s right, two important commodities, stolen within a week of each other. The helmet thing pissed me off. I demanded the driver find out what happened. He asked for my contact information so he could return it to me when he found it. I, however, HAVE NO CELL PHONE. He promised to bring it to PSI next week, though, when located. He better do it, too. I got his name and number and will be passing it on to the security guy at Peace Corps if I don’t get my helmet back. Walking around this hugely sprawling city is a bitch.

Case in point: It took AN HOUR to walk to the MTN store. In the middle of the day. With the sun BEATING down on me. At least the place was airconditioned. I sat for (ONLY!) three hours and got a new sim card. I was actually pretty happy with the service there, besides the wait. The lady was professional, using the vous form and speaking really fast and courteously, almost like in Americaland. I get my same number, too, so yay for 66.23.91.13 or as we say here “soixante-six, vingt-trois, quatre vingt-onze, treize.” Thank Allah for small favors. Then I walked the hour long walk home at dusk.

I had to leave my ID card with them, though. Apparently their copy machine was down and I didn’t want to wait an indeterminate number of hours because I wanted to get home before dark. So I left it, they promised to keep it safe, and I said I’d go back for it the next day. Which I didn’t. Because of the lazy. But it’s fine. It’ll be safe until later. I hope.

Zaari is good. She meows a lot less. I’m not sure if that’s because she’s growing up or because she was completely traumatized by her week of NO MOMMY when I was at IST last week. Doug came by to feed her every couple of days, but I sort of think it wasn’t enough food. She’s been eating an entire can of sardines each day now and he only gave her a can for every two days or so. I’m pretty sure she was like freaking out, thinking she was near death or something. Which makes me feel kinda bad. But at least she’s eating a lot now. She’s also freaking huge. Like almost the size of real live, American kitten. I think she’s about thirteen or fourteen weeks. After we get paid at the end of the month, I’m going to finally get her vaccinated. I know, I know. It’s about time. She’s been mostly healthy, save for the “let’s add water to this sweetened, condensed milk and see if she’ll like it” phase. Note: she liked it, but puked it back up twenty minutes later. She’s also into killing lizards. Not necessarily eating all of it once killed, but she does enjoy the killing itself for sure. She killed one the other day and ate half of it before deciding she’d rather just eat sardines. Seriously, the top half of the lizard was gone, the back legs and tail just sitting all macabre out on my patio, his guts sort of unceremoniously tangled beside him. I know it was a he, too, because of the tiny little ignored gonads on the cement. Of course, they could have been ovaries. I don’t know anything about internal lizard anatomy. I’ve only dissected felines, sharks, and pigs for chrissakes.

So that’s that. My internet is back to being shitty. I have yet to finish filling out my med school application, although I got a good portion done while in Nati. I have about four sections left to finish before June 1st when I’ll be submitting the monster. Hopefully the PSI internet will be superb this week and I can get ‘er done. Ew, I can’t believe I just said “get ‘er done.” How Kansan of me.

Running? What running? I’ve not purposely gone on a run for 9 days now. That’s like completely ceasing all physical activity. Starting up again will be akin to beginning a new exercise routine, ask your doctor style. Again, not sure if the cause is general PC apathy or actual medical fatigue, but I just cannot get my ass out of bed in the morning to go run. By the time I’m up it’s way too freaking hot. I thought this hot season was over, but apparently it has decided to hang out for a bit longer. And, um, rainy season my ass. It’s rained like once in the last month. Of course, it was so intense, the water pooled under my windows and slowly trickled from one end of my house to the other, leaving a lovely wet mark stain. The river Djougs. Anyway, tomorrow I am BEGGING PROMISING FORCING THREATENING myself to get up by 6:30 and JUST GO. I mean, I will never have this much free time to get myself into an acceptable running schedule. I should SERIOUSLY make use of it so that when I’m in med school I have some sort of precedent for getting up at ungodly hours for the HOLY WORK-OUT. We’ll see how it goes.

In general I am sort of shocked that it is already May 21st (yes I’m post-posting this post…haha). My little bros have already finished with school. It’s like SUMMER WOO HOO time there already. Finals are so last week over. Graduations have happened already (well, except for Wellesley’s which is this weekend…holy mother of mothers, has it really been A YEAR since my own graduation??). Labor day marks the beginning of pool season and I am jealous. Of pools, most definitely. Of changing seasons? Um, yes. It’s been like the summer of hell here for 10 months. Windy season, rainy season, hot season. It doesn’t matter. It’s all summer all the time. Which I love. But still. I’m looking forward to my visit home in October. Yay, long sleeves!

Well, that paragraph wasn’t very organized. Oh well. I honestly don’t have much else to talk about. Work? Hmm. Monday I’ll go back to work at the office and will probably get started on end of the month reports. I feel like I just did these for April, but that’s how it goes I guess. I think Tuesday will be much of the same, Wednesday I’ll head over to the maternite for some baby stuff…maybe…they still don’t really know what to do with me. I’m frankly considering not even bothering. I usually just go and sit and watch prenatal consultations which is like boring as shit after the first, I don’t know, million. Thursday I’ll go to the HIV/AIDS testing center, which I actually enjoy. The people there are nice, I can watch cool procedures (like contraception insertions), do some easy peasy paperwork for them, fix their computer (usually just turning it off and then back on again heh), and they have a scale which says I weigh like ten pounds less than I do. So that’s always fun for the ole self-esteem. Then Friday I’m back at PSI. Honestly, I’m not super psyched about the work I do here. Can I say that? Out of the THREE GOALS of Peace Corps, the first one sort of sucks for me. I think that’s the way it is for a lot of volunteers, but whew. I feel better just getting it out there and off my chest. I’m bored with my work. There, I said it. The rest of my “job” here I really really love. Transferring knowledge about America to the Beninese and vice versa. I’m really good at that! Just today I had about five kids hanging out and we talked about American games and I taught them some English. It was fun and 2/3 of what I’m supposed to be doing here. So that’s good. And I guess I don’t always dislike my official work. I like the health center and talking to people casually about health related issues. And I like it when I feel useful at the office. That’s just sort of rare. C’est la vie, quoi. Ou bien?

So that’s that, folks. Not much to see here, move along. I wish I could recount harrowing tales of heroism or breathtaking displays of poverty and the romanticized happiness and carefree attitude of the people or even just talk about how I’m saving African babies and wiping the sweat off my brow with my red-dirt covered palm…but, I’m too busy being lazy and watching my cat eviscerate lizards right now. Maybe tomorrow.

E

PS. I actually DO have a story about traveling through the backwater villages on terre rouge, but I still have to bust it out. I’ll put it up as soon as the creative juices are flowing.

Ew..flow. Heh.

You can't take the Midwest out of the girl...

For the last few days I have been feeling more homesick than usual. Perhaps it’s the number of birthdays I’m missing in the end of April, the fact that I know spring is looking toward summer days in America, or that I’ve actually been busy and unable to really reflect on things until they jump out and surprise me. Whatever the reasons, I’m missing home to a higher degree than I’ve ever felt in all my time living away from home.

Feeling homesick to me is like having a major part of yourself not in sync. You feel out of step, out of place, left behind. That part of you is still attached to somewhere across the ocean and the connecting thread is being played like a guitar string, lurching and swaying, it pulls you off course. For me, the feeling of homesickness is being able to close my eyes and the first thing I see is open highway with the cattle grazing fields stretching out to the horizon. It’s seeing Buffalo Wild Wings and Hollywood 14 theaters. The taillights and streetlights on Wannamaker Boulevard. The long drive up to North Topeka past all the familiar turn-offs and houses, signs and sights that I always thought trivial but are a part of where I come from.

A lot of this recent bought of homesickness is just missing the people in my life. Usually most of the ache is for Colt, a feeling that I have long come to terms with even though it never really gets any better. But this thing lately is a lot bigger than that. Missing him is there, sure, it always is. The last few days, though, I’ve been missing my mom, my dad, Jeni and Stephen, Oliver, Zach and Lucas, Skyler, and especially Josh. My family. Maybe it’s because I feel like we’re once again on some sort of transitional brink and I cannot be there to be a part of it. Maybe it’s because Zach is a teenager now which seems like some overwhelming dive off a cliff into new territory, a slap in the face to how fast time really has gone by. A lot of it is Josh, making big decisions about his future. How I wish I could be there to be a part of those choices. For me, a lot of homesickness often feels suspiciously like guilt. It’s been five years since I’ve lived in Kansas for any length of time and my family dynamic has learned to function without me in it. Of course that’s exactly what is supposed to happen when you grow up. But I feel left out so often, forgotten. And then I just feel guilty when I realize it’s my own fault.

I miss my friends, too. My college friends in a different way from my high school friendships that I have maintained and the new home friendships I’ve built. There’s an assumed fierce independence with my college friends. We’re all out doing amazing awesome things like Teach for America and law school. We don’t really have time to be overly sentimental. We all come from very different regions in the world, too, so there’s no guarantee that our long distance friendships will ever be more than that. There’s a few people I really miss, but college is different than those friendships built up and kept strong for ten years or more.

A lot of my high school friends are also doing amazing things. Graduations, getting real live grown-up jobs, getting married, having babies. Most of those friendships are either strong enough to not worry about too much or have faded over the years of me being so far away from home. A few have rekindled after a few years of absenteeism. Several I have just plain neglected. I’ve also built a few new friendships, mostly through Colt, but still important to me, especially looking to the future (Sydney!). Right now I’m really missing Jen, Aaron, Megan, and Mal. I found some old photos of us from the fall of 2008 and was in tears. I’m not a super sentimental person, but I miss just hanging out and being ridiculous. I’ve never had to pretend to be anyone I wasn’t for them. Finding friendships like that is rarer than you might think and I’m realizing that I’ve taken them for granted for a long time.

The people and the places make up the part of me still tied to Kansas. I facebook surf every few days and am constantly reminded of the way it feels to be home, doing the simple things that just don’t exist here and aren’t missed until they’re gone. So I’m taking stock right now! Here’s what I miss most about home:

Meeting a friend for coffee at starbucks, getting dinner at a bar and grill, BWW, good wine, driving through the countryside with the windows rolled down and the radio blaring, playing on a playground, Gage park, the early Italian brunch at Paisano’s with Colt, Papa Murphy’s cheese pizza, sushi from HyVee, walking up Mass Ave in Lawrence, incense, air conditioning, fresh cut grass, sunflowers, Mallory and Zach and their awesome house, going for a long run in crisp morning air, Chipotle, movie theater popcorn, the fluffy, cuddling, Colt’s mischievous smile, premade clothes and department store smells, Candyopolis, Taco Bell cheesy bean and rice burritos, youtube videos on mom’s iphone with Zach and Lucas, my living room and the people sitting in it, cooking with a full kitchen, cupcakes, making cookies with the kids, visiting Wichita and seeing Jeni and Stephen and Oliver and Dad, playing in Dad’s lab, champagne, Aaron Dean Senne, Juice Stop blueberry and banana smoothies, feeling cold, kisses, Barnes and Nobel, easy internet access, quiche and salad at Annie’s with Sydney, sexy cars, the fabulous Megan Greening and Olive Garden lunches with my favorite ladies, girl talk with Kira, dinners at Colt’s parents house, laying out looking up at the stars in the summer, Kansas sunsets, political protests and civic action, super Walmart and giant Dillons, Skyler and the Sunflower house, everything else about Lawrence, my amazing mom, high heels, wearing contacts and dressing up, feeling clean from head to toe, Jennifer Long, anonymity, football on TV, Cold Stone Creamery, fake meat, cheese, the apartment, Dan and Nick, video games, watching Netflix movies with dinner, enchiladas, snow, Josh and his leather jacket, open fields surrounded by old barbed wire fences, antiques, the way my house smells like home, everything else about Colt Sellens.

I wanted to leave Kansas for so long, to get out, get over the rainbow. I wanted so badly to do the great things I am doing now in Africa, live how I am living with the people I have made my friends. I don’t regret my choices, but I am surprised at how much I feel connected to America, to Kansas. It’s almost like I never expected to feel pride at calling where I come from “home,” but I am proud and I really do miss it with more intensity than I ever have or thought I would. I think I’m growing up a little bit, appreciating my background a little more, giving more credit to the people and the place that made me who I am. That doesn’t mean I ever want to actually live in Topeka again. But being close enough to visit sounds pretty okay to me.

The Phases of the LDR

I. TOGETHER

(1) Honeymoon
     Intense happiness at the reuniting after time apart. Marked by a relatively unrealistic lifestyle: joined at the hip, all activities are performed together, inseparable. High intensity, almost giddiness pervades the time together. Duration is short, 10% of time together up to two weeks.

(2) Comfort
     Intensity has faded into a happy comfort. This phase most resembles the routine that occurs or would occur when not involved in the long distance relationship. Healthy arguments are resolved happily, and playfulness and flirting are commonplace. At times there is an almost disbelief that separation will occur. Duration is up to 90% of time together and can last indefinitely if the separation is withheld.

(3) Anticipation
     In the last few weeks or days together, a very brief phase of remorse occurs. It is a glimpse of the sadness that both know is to come. Duration is only a day or two and can sometimes be interpreted as outside stresses.

(4) Anger
     In the days preceding the separation, there is an increased amount of arguing and frustration. Fights occur more frequently and there could be entire days where one or both parties are argumentative or antagonistic for no apparent reason. Duration is only a day or two and can often be shortened if recognized.

(5) Separation
     The day of separation is marked by highs and lows, spontaneous tears or laughter. The intensity of sadness is proportional to the anticipated amount of time apart. The end of this phase marks the beginning of the APART section, and the commencing of the Acute Sadness phase.

II. APART

(1) Acute Sadness
      The most painful stage. Short, but almost unbearably intense. Can last up to a week and is characterized by regular bursts of tears, sleeplessness, and an aching feeling like one's heart has been punched out. High levels of communication are very important here and yet unproductive as most conversation is repetitive pleas and declarations of missing the other. Duration is thankfully only a few days, up to a week or so after the initial separation.

(2) Sadness
     The Acute phase transitions into the Sadness phase quite smoothly. Slowly the tears start to come less often and just a generalized depression overlays everything. Conversations with the parter are important during this time, as they are a light of happiness in the dark. Duration can be short or seemingly unending depending on how conscious the individual is of the situation.

(3) Apathy
     Sadness morphs into Apathy, one of the most dangerous phases. An offshoot of depression, the individual sleeps excessively, takes off from work, skips meals, and basically just zones out. Even conversations with the partner do not overly interest one in the apathetic phase. Duration can be up to 50% of time apart, but can be curtailed by engaging in activities that draw attention, a "fake it 'til you make it" perspective that gives a false, but comforting sense of acceptance.

(4) Fear
     This acute phase is a clear indicator of the end of the Apathy phase. It is marked by sudden anxiety about the security of the relationship or fears about the partner's health or safety. Dreams where a partner leaves or is injured are common. Decisions to prematurely end the separation most often occur here. This phase is most often alleviated by good communication with the other partner, alleviating the fears and encouraging the struggling partner to be strong. Duration is short if the separation is successfully maintained, up to a week or two.

(5) Acceptance
     When the fear fades, Acceptance occurs. If successfully managed, this can be the longest phase of the separation, up to 80%. This phase is marked by typical levels of happiness and sadness as found in the general population with the highest levels of relationship satisfaction occurring before and after conversations with the partner. When both partners are in this same phase, the separation is not unduly difficult and can be pleasantly managed with letters, gifts, texts, phone calls, and skype conversations. If the other phases are experienced quickly, getting to this phase is like a breath of fresh air, leading to a healthy relationship and planning for the next reunion. Duration can be the remainder of the separation with occasional relapses to the others if not cognizant. If mindful, the Acceptance phase can be just another variation of the Comfort phase.


I am in the Acute Sadness phase right now but I know that it will all be okay soon! It's all about pushing through and getting to the part where routine makes things easier. But it sucks. It always sucks.

E

IST

Interservice Training has been super boring and also awesome. We've been able to all see each other and hang out with dance parties on the roof of Songhai and Israelis, moto crashes, project designing tools, local language practice, practice sensibilizations, and very couth evenings of johnny walker red and coke. I must say it's been practical and interesting and amusing. Imorou is definitely the homologue who walks the walk and talks the talk which is not always as awesome as it sounds.

I had forgotten how muggy and humid it is in the south. it sucks. i had also forgotten how to discuter zem prices and deal with the super aggressiveness of the fon people. i miss djougou and my bed and shower although we are sleeping in air conditioning now.

i saw the host family and had more conversation with them than i did in like the 9 weeks i actually lived with them. i think my french has definitely improved ou bien i am just less terrified of speaking now and making crazy mistakes.

So I'd like to type more about this bountiful week but all i can think about is the fact that colt is on a plane right now getting ready to land in new york...and then he'll be IN BENIN with MEEEEE in like a day and a half (ok, it's precisely 31 and a half hours not like I'm counting down or anything).

We are going on safari, and rocking it in djougou and having soooo much...FUN!

So, yeah, I probably won't update or be on facebook or talk to another human being until 2011. So, sorry in advance and HAPPY HOLIDAYS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

love and miss you all, please send letters and chocolate,
xoxo
e

Facilitating Behavior Changes (Post Visit Part Deux)

Sunday, September 12th, 2010.

Ok, well it turns out that there’s not really going to be a part deux to my Djougou post visit adventure. Pretty much everyone who needs to know has already heard the details, but I guess I’ll recount them anyway…but it’s not going to be some stylistic masterpiece or anything.

The night after I had my suspiciously delicious dinner with Doug, I woke up with stomach pain and all the associated fixings. The nausea and vomiting, however, were a bit out of the ordinary. The main discomfort came from the fact that after I puked, the nausea would still be very much present, which is usually not the case. You know what I mean; after throwing up, a sense of calm and health returns at least temporarily, even when really sick, until the next bought of nausea and subsequent vomiting occurs. This was just different; I’d puke and instantly feel nauseous again. This lasted until about 7 in the morning when I called the Peace Corps doctor and we chatted for a bit about getting me re-hydrated with ORS (Oral Re-hydrations Solution). Doug brought some over, but the taste was so gross that I just puked it up. So, it was determined after I started feeling dizzy from dehydration that I should probably get some IV fluids in me and stop the nausea. So I rode a zem to the hospital and talked to the doctor there. Doug translated and the doctor spoke a little English, so it really was no big deal. As usual, I was an awful patient, asking way too many questions and being demanding about who performed what procedures on me, etc. It was fine and the doctor stayed with me until all the saline, anti-nausea medication, and the antibiotics and anti-parasite meds had all gone into my veins. The hospital drove me back to where I was staying and I felt a lot better. The next day I just hung out in Djougou, reading and writing and the day after that I took the bus back to Cotonou. I stayed at the Bureau for a day and got checked out by the doctor; they took stool and blood samples and I’ve just been taking it easy since then. All they found was a high white blood cell count because all the killin’ meds got all the bugs by the time they checked. Right now, I feel back to normal. Taking all those meds actually probably killed off whatever I already had that had been making me generally ill for the last few weeks. I don’t think I’ve been this healthy the entire time I’ve been in this country. Honestly, we should all just do a round of ciprofloxin every 2 months or so to clean us out (ok, probably not…we wouldn’t want those fuckers to get resistant now would we?). But yeah, it was pretty trippy and I was definitely damn sick, but all is well that ends well, someone wiser than me once said.

I just spent the last hour with my host bro, Rico, writing and translating a letter for my vrai little brother, Zach. Maman wants them to be like best friends so when Rico comes to the US they can be buddies. Rico is pretty ambitious for his age; he wants to be an architect in the USA. I guess he has a better shot than a girl would, but I’m not exactly seeing it. It is possible, though, but he would really have to study hard and do everything right, which only like 10% of the people in this country actually do. Seriously, for example, like 20 out of 200 high school students in Lalo actually passed the baccelaureate to graduate high school and go to college. But it might be nice to do the penpal thing…except Zach will totally not understand anything Rico writes without translation…so it might just be a one time thing…although Rico can understand a little English probably, I don’t really see it evolving too far unless Zach wants to learn French haha.

On Wednesday I am cooking an American meal for the family. I’m going to do pancakes, scrambled eggs, and hash browns. There isn’t syrup, so I’m doing peanut butter and honey instead for on top. There will be tomatoes, onions, pimante, and wagasi in the scrambled eggs and the hash browns will be epic as well. I hope they like it, but they probably won’t. But I think pate is pretty nasty, so I guess we can debate our national dishes anytime. I’m pretty sure pancakes will win every time. Probably because America is the greatest country in the world. Just sayin’.

Tomorrow we find out the results of our last French interview. I did absolutely horribly in my interview, absolutely worse than the second interview, so I don’t really foresee any great results tomorrow. In fact, I’m a little concerned that I epically failed. Like, not even joking, I might not get to swear in. If that becomes the case, and I suppose I’ll reach that bridge when I come to it, I’m going to fight to be allowed to swear in anyway. I know I can survive with my level of French and I’ll get a tutor and test again in a few weeks. But maybe I did okay. But…I really bombed it. So. Yeah.

Well, swear in may or may not be on Friday. We are partying it up afterward at a hotel in Porto Novo and the next day purchasing a lot of stuff and packing up to move to our permanent posts. I’ll probably be leaving on Sunday, the 19th, taking a taxi with my bike, mattress, water filter, lockbox, and all my books and luggage and other random crap I’ve accumulated here with me. The next day is my birthday and I will be cleaning my house and settling in. I will also be cooking a Mexican fiesta and hopefully my buddy Josh from Boukoumbe will be coming down to have a few beers and help me celebrate a bit.

I’m actually not sure when the next time I’ll be online will be. I’m pretty sure there is internet at my office and I can bring my laptop and plug in…but I really really do not want to start working until I’ve at least gotten my big bed. The idea of having to go into work at like 8am immediately after getting to post sort of freaks me out; I need a few days to just unwind and get my bearings. I need to make sure the house is clean and devoid of rodent sized spiders and I’d like to make it feel a bit like a home if I can. It IS pink, which helps tremendously, so there’s that. But I will bring my laptop to work sometime next week and give a quick update. If I’m freakishly lucky, the wifi from the office will seep into my house, but I rather doubt it. But I am like practically connected to the office. My house is literally in the backyard of PSI. If I could get internet in my house I would be ecstatic.

Speaking of mild altering states, I just read Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance and my mind was totally blown. I never got through it as a kid and whoa, I had no idea what the book was about. Totally wild and got me thinking about the duality of nature and what the real differences are between science and art. It definitely made me appreciate my dad a lot more. And speaking of my dad…

HE BOUGHT THE TICKETS!!! Colt’s ticket to come and visit me has been officially purchased! He is leaving the US of A on the 17th of December and after a long layover in Casablanca, he’ll be arriving in Cotonou early in the morning of the 19th. I’ll pick him up via taxi and we’ll go back to my hotel room until 8am when we’ll take the bus to Djougou. We’ll stay at my place through Christmas and then go up to Pendjari, the national park, to have us an African safari. I think we’ll probably stay one or two nights there and then come back to my house for the New Year. On the 4th we’ll head back to Cotonou and he leaves the next day. He’ll be here for 17 days and I am SO HAPPY! We have 97 days until then, but I’m just glad it’s double and not triple digits. The longest we’ve had a countdown for was like 120 days, so we’re golden. Although if you add the 61 days that I’ve already been here…that’s like 158 days or something, but whatever. December 18th I’ll leave Djougou and come down to Cotonou for the night. Ahhhh, I’m so happy!

I’ve watched like a million episodes of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia and now I’m just like yelling at everyone…which is awkward because my French is so completely awful. I’ve also watched Law Abiding Citizen (great premise, lame ending), Blood Diamond, the Constant Gardener, and my personal absolutely favorite, Avatar. I love that movie, I wish I could live on Pandora and/or be an awesome, in-tune-with-nature huntress. I would totally eat meat if I had stalked and captured my prey. I think if you are willing to eat meat, you should be willing to take the animal’s life. If you can’t do it, don’t eat it. I’m like this weird vegetarian who totally wants to be badass and hunt and be one with nature in this spiritual symbiosis, but the idea of eating meat sort of squicks me out, unlike the meat eaters for whom the killing is distasteful. You pickin’ up what I’m puttin’ down? Anyway, I like movies and I wish I had a whole lot more of them. Mostly, I want Twilight and Eclipse and New Moon if it’s out. Because just the other day I was thinking about how much I loved watching Bella and Edward’s crazy crazy love tension on screen and realized that I had gotten all my movies from a dude. So I have a lot of Die Hard and not a lot of Twilight. Which is fine most of the time, but I can only watch something like the Hangover so many times.

But I guess I can continue reading the super true tale of the Grateful Dead, a book I found in the workstation library. I almost started reading this theo apologist book that uses physics to prove the Judeo-Christian God, and then realized that if he had in fact done so I probably already would have heard of it and I wouldn’t need to learn it from a paperback book published in the 80s. The workstation libraries definitely have a strange assortment of stuff, including stories of Peace Corps service, which is like the last thing I want to read right now. It’s weird that I was so obsessed with reading about the Peace Corps for so long and now that I’m living it I have no desire to even think about someone else’s experience. I can barely process my own. I definitely have no desire to read another Peace Corps blog for as long as I’m here. I can barely keep up the enthusiasm for my own! Once things settle down for me in my new house, I don’t think there will be a lot going on to report about and I doubt I’ll be updating more than a few times a month. I don’t want to bore anyone, geez.

And on that note, I just want to add that dad totally sent me the biochemistry/pathology text book that KU med uses in it’s beginning seminars and I am totally going to learn the shit out of it. I am a little concerned that my anticipation for this book is exponentially higher than my excitement about my birthday, swear in, moving to my new house, and even cooking for myself, but I’m going to have science! Yay!

XOXO,

Elaina


Monday, September 13th

Yay, my birthday is in a week, woot woot! I think I actually might have a few packages in the mail, too…so even if I don’t get anything for my birthday I should still get something SOON.

I passed my language interview! Intermediate high is what I will swear-in as, which is completely fine with me. I think sometimes I can perform at an Advanced low level, but not consistently enough and it was definitely not showcased in my last interview. I’m just glad I get to go to the big ceremony. All the different sectors have matching tissue and I am picking up my traditional African style dress (called a modele) on Wednesday from the tailor. I asked for some embroidery that was sparkly and very pretty, so hopefully it’s awesome looking. I’m not too picky, though.

So swear-in is on Friday and we only have tomorrow and a half day on Wednesday left of classes. Tomorrow we’re at Songhai for the last time and I’ll post my last blog from training! After that these blog entries will be from an officially sworn-in Peace Corps volunteer, jigga-what?! Haha

I have started writing the tale of my love story with Colt. It’s pretty ridiculously sappy, actually. We’re incredibly cute with some pretty interesting stories in the history of our relationship so I think it’ll make decent writing. We’ll see; at the very least it’s cathartic for me to write it. I spent like two hours the other day re-reading all the old notes that Colt had given me from high school and than dreamed that we were still in the very beginning of our relationship with all those first concerns and dramas. We were both really different back then and we’ve changed a lot, but somehow we’re still compatible after all those changes.

I did the calculations and right now, he and I have physically been together for more time than we have physically been apart, even considering four years of long distance in college. With his visits and my semester at KSU, we’ve been together for just over a week longer than we’ve been apart. The bad news is that in about three days that balance will even up and then switch over to the majority of our relationship being spent physically apart from each other. The even worse news is that we won’t get back to half way and then surpass it until like September of 2014. So, that sucks. Especially when I think about how probably in the course of the next two years I’m going to actually get to spend a whole four or five weeks with him in total, and that’s it. Uuuughhhhh, depressing.

Happier things now.

Velveeta shells macaroni and cheese. This can be sent to me. And should be in high numbers.

Wow, it is astonishing how quickly that thought made me feel better. I really do love cheese and I have not had any real stuff since July 15th when I had my last meal of a subway sandwich with extra provolone, toasted just so the cheese begins to melt. Aaaahhhhhhh.

I miss cooking with Colt, making really random meals and trying to pair it with a wine or beer. Colt made a Mexican casserole (aka ‘mexicas’) a few days ago and I was more homesick and missing him than I had been in weeks. It’s like for some reason the thought of good, spicy Mexican food and Colt just go hand in hand with me missing America. That and the other homesick-inducing combo of pizza, Colt, and an action movie. That’s always a nice one, especially with a good beer (ou bien, a diet coke) thrown in the mix. Ok, screw Benin; I’m coming back!

Nooooot really. But damn I am sick of couscous which is sort of crazy because it’s the dish that is so good they named it twice.

Ok, enough of this nonsense, I’m going to go read about Jerry Garcia and the Dead.

With love from the dark continent of your imagination,

E


Tuesday, September 14th

Well, clearly I did not post my blog from yesterday. That is because the internet at Songhai was not working at all. The ladies behind the counter wouldn’t even let me buy any time because it was not going to be working any time in the foreseeable future. Today we signed a bunch of forms and finalized a lot of the plans for swear-in and the party afterward as well as when our taxis are leaving to go to our posts. It was super fun. Relatedly, we get our money for move in pretty soon so we’ll be able to buy a bunch of stuff before we leave…which is awesome. Also awesome: we have only one day of classes left!! Ahhhhhhh

Not so awesome: there are a couple people who did not pass their language requirement. They do not get to officially swear in and must take extra language classes and then re-test in a month. At that point they will be allowed to officially swear-in and their service of two years begins then. So basically, they have to spend an extra month in the Peace Corps because of it. That totally sucks and I think we can all see ourselves in that position. I mean, I was really not feeling good about my interview and feel like I could have easily been placed in that position. So they have definitely got my sympathy.

I talked to some ecotourism people today and decided that colt and I should hit up the safari thing pretty much right when he gets here, like spend a night in Djougou and then spend the next two nights on safari, that way we will have plenty of time afterward to really get to hang out and be comfortable. Apparently right before Christmas is a pretty good time to go, too, because it’s the dry season and that means that all the watering holes available to the animals are known to the guides and it is easier to spot them. I’m pretty stoked!

I learned that flossing your teeth once a day can help prevent heart disease. So I’m totally doing that now; go me.

Ok, I cannot believe how boring this has become. Next time I get online I’m going to have something interesting to talk about, I promise.

E

only one w-word until the a-word

That's what Colt is saying. Every time he brings up our impending uber-separation I either burst into tears or declare loudly that I don't want to talk about it. He pointed out this morning that we should probably talk about it sometime other than in the airport next Wednesday. Well, perhaps.

Packing update: I officially own or have access to everything that I will be taking with me to Africaland. It is all pretty much gathered in my old room at my mom's house, scattered among the 10 totes of other stuff I own that I will be leaving with her. I have 1 big duffel bag and a smaller one with a pretty nice black canvas backpack to carry everything in. I've also used up almost all of my mom's ziplock bags by storing all my toiletries in them. I searched high and low for solar powered rechargeable batteries, but could not find them. And then I realized that I'm not really bringing anything that requires battery power. Sometimes, the blondness is tres apparent.

As I type this, I am slowly working on uploading all of my summer photos to facebook. Thesd pics include trips to Kansas City, Chicago, Oklahoma, and Texas. Most of them are definitely from my Chicago vacation/med school visit (like half from the gay pride parade!) and looking through them makes me increasingly sure that I am going to apply to Northwestern and the University of Chicago. Both campuses were awesome and I definitely fell in love with the Lincoln Park neighborhood. Molly's Cupcakes FTW! Anyway, it will be fun to visit the city again next fall when I come back to interview (assuming I even make it to the interview stage of the application process!).

The summer has been primarily lazy as far as french preparation goes. I've been incredibly lax with my studies post graduation. I guess at some point I just realized that I was going to be in a pretty low level group to start off with and it wasn't going to be particularly beneficial for me to study all summer to get up one level, after which it will be more difficult to improve. So I've been slowly moving through Harry Potter et l'ecole de sorciers, but I don't think I'm much past chapter 2 at this point. I think I can handle being one of the poorest french speakers of the group. C'est la vie.

I'm getting ready to go on a Pirates of the Caribbean binge as part of my American pop culture overload of summer 2010. Other binges have included mashed potatoes, corresponding tattoos, vegan hotdogs, little league baseball games, sunburns, and spending too much money on mediocre Italian cuisine. My facebook album, Quest: Party in the USA, is an attempt to keep track of these last few weeks of America. The fourth was fun and included a very American doubles game of ultra-competitive table tennis and semi-naked trampoline fireworks viewing. I created this delicious cookie cake that was decorated with an anatomically correct flag made of mixed berry. Yum!

Ah, Colt. Preparing for our goodbye is not something I am even remotely ready for. He is taking me to the airport and I haven't decided if I'll be so shell shocked from the immensity of the separation or if I'll flood the place with my tears. I know that I am going to be a big ball of stress about the whole thing soon. I made him promise to show some emotion sometime this week and not just always be the strong one. He has off from work all but two of the next 7 days, so hopefully we'll get in all the cuddling of two years into this week. Ugh, just thinking about him all lonely makes me sad. Next!

I'm having a lovely going away/graduation party on Friday. I am making a drink concoction called summer beer that I discovered at a friend's 21st birthday party earlier in the summer. It's light beer with vodka and lemonade. I'm pretty stoked about it. I'm also going to make funfetti cupcakes which will be good practice for our wedding reception since we'll be doing the cupcakes ourselves.

On that wonderful note, this summer I also have planned a lot of the wedding details since I won't really be around to do it in the next two years. It seems maybe a bit over the top, but I literally have a schedule of the ceremony and we've picked out the locations for it and the reception. We have a budget and have selected colors and songs and pretty much everything except reserving locations and vendors...because it's like waaay ridiculously too early for that haha. I tried on dresses, too and found styles that I think will match the look I'm going for. My plan is to actually buy the dress and make a lot of the set in stone plans when I am back in the states next fall for med school interviews. It's fun to actually think about this stuff finally!

One other thing I've slacked off with this summer is running. I think I probably went running a grand total of 10 times or something embarrassing like that. I really miss it and so does my body. I've basically gained back all my marathon training weight which is wicked lame! I'm bringing my Asics with me to Benin, so as soon as I can, I am going to find a running routine. I think I forget sometimes how much a quick jog can clear my head and calm me down. In fact, that sounds pretty good right now; maybe I'll get in a couple runs before next Wednesday.

Well, I doubt I'll be posting until Philadelphia staging. My flight is 7am on the 14th and orientation activities start at noon at the hotel in Philly. We'll all meet up and learn about safety and culture shock for two days and then late at night on the 15th we head out for Benin by way of Paris.

I think there's definitely some part of me that doesn't actually believe that it's happening. I mean, I applied over a year ago on a renewed whim and here I am just days away from leaving. It's pretty trippy and I'm sure it's just going to get increasingly mind blowing.

Keep it classy,

E

Rewind--what?!

I got a phone call a little while ago from D, my placement officer.

Apparently getting engaged is considered one of a few "life changing" events. Ok...well, whenever an applicant has a life changing event they are required to wait a year before being reconsidered for service...

WHAT?!?!?!

After a mild panic attack and some deep breathing, D went on to explain that they make very few exceptions to this, but that he'd be willing to fight for me to become one of those few exceptions to the year waiting rule. IF I can demonstrate via writing a detailed letter that I should be considered a special case.

Ok, so a) I was being courteous when I informed the Peace Corps of my engagement. As many people have implied, I didn't HAVE to tell them at all. I was trying to be honest and helpful =(
b) Having a ring on my finger does not change AT ALL the level of commitment and seriousness of the relationship.
c) We've planned on my Peace Corps service since THE DAY we started dating over 4 years ago.
d) We WANTED to get engaged before service because it would make things EASIER not HARDER. Having the peace of mind that this engagement brings actually makes us both calmer and more okay with the impending separation.

So basically, I wrote a reeeally detailed letter about our background, expectations, plans for marriage, plans for dealing with the distance and communication, why we chose to get engaged now, and how there is no "life altering" aspect of this engagement that makes waiting a year make any sense at all.

D said he'd fight for me to his superiors, so here's hoping I wrote a decent letter. I just faxed it a few minutes ago. Hopefully things will go well. I have a good feeling, but it's still extremely frustrating to me. I just don't understand why they can't just take me at my word that my relationship is stable and I don't expect to ET? I get asking questions about it upfront, but when I say that we can do it, they really need to accept it. It seems so paternalistic to continue to question my capacity to keep my relationship together while serving abroad. After making sure that we know it's going to hard and getting my assurances, they should be happy!

/rant.

We'll see. Hopefully I'll know something by next week.

E

a history of my love affair with africa

I was 12 when I first fell in love with Africa. I was in between Harry Potter books and needed something to fill the addiction gap in my heart. I found the historical detective novels of Elizabeth Peters based around British Egyptologists in the late 1800s. My stepmom, Jeni, and I read through the series one summer and into my 7th grade year and Egypt came alive for me. More than just the ancient history, Egypt was a mysterious place even for the characters that lived and worked there. I got lost in the Cairo streets and actually cried when I found out that they don't actually let tourists climb the Great Pyramids anymore. I was ravenous for more. I knew all the dynasties by heart, the methods of mummification, the various forms of the Egyptian language and quite a lot of the hieroglyphics. I even began teaching myself Arabic and at one point before 8th grade could actually read aloud the curling letters, although I did not know much of what I was reading.

I imagined myself as first an Egyptologist and then as an anthropologist, studying not only the ancient cultures, but that of the people living there today. I definitely had an academic perspective about the whole thing, although a lot of my perceptions were flawed, based on fiction books set over a century ago. I'd like to think that I never patronized the hypothetical people of my future studies, but I don't really think there's any middle schooler out there that really grasps the idea of white privilege and true development work.

My concept of Africa was heavily influenced by Egypt until I was 15 and my concept of the future replaced from the removed analysis of the social scientist to the directly impacting physician. I saw Dr. Carter on ER when I was in 9th grade and his visits to the Congo transformed my assumptions and broadened my interests exponentially. I first attached onto medicine and decided that it was ethically irresponsible to study people and not help them when I had the possibility to aid them. Soon after I exhausted my initial drive for information about medicine in general, I gravitated back to Africa. I studied the philosophies of the people and read about dictators and the history of the oppression of apartheid. I read about the Rwanda genocides and tried to educate myself as best as I could about the continent and the challenges that have been consistently faced by the people there. I was, and still am, continuously shocked that a place of such rich history, the birthplace of humanity, is so often blatantly disregarded by the international community. I have essentially decided that it is racism, pure and simple.

Throughout my college career I have developed my academic passions for development work and development economics. My interest in both medicine and economics are intimately tied to Africa. I have pursued academic literature on agricultural practices in Subsaharan Africa as well as environmental economic ties to population growth, GNP, and politics. I have learned extensively about justice issues in women's health as applied to international cases and issues. The only thing I have not done is formally major or minor in Africana studies. I chose a more indirect route by selecting biology and econ, but in my spare time have voraciously read Jeffrey Sachs and Amartya Sen. All this academic work has only strengthened my passion for the continent, my belief that the most vulnerable people are the ones most ignored by those with the most power, and the fact that I am not content to study and analyze. I must do something. I must use my hands. I have to hold a child or build a latrine. I cannot keep Africa as an abstract concept for me anymore; I am compelled to do.

I've worried for some time that this instant gratification streak of mine is somehow anti-intellectual, that after all my time at one of the top liberal arts colleges in the world all I want to do is weigh babies and sleep under the African sky. Shouldn't I leave the down and dirty for those less privileged to my education? Well, no. And I'll tell you why. And it's definitely not white, liberal guilt.

In my framework of justice, guilt has no place. Justice to me is not about getting what people are due in this world. That view is antiquated and doesn't meet most ethical standpoints these days. To me, and others who chose such epistemological pursuits, justice means seeing one another rightly, using love to view those most vulnerable, and ascribing dignity and equal value to all persons at birth. Justice means not treating people as embodiments of stereotypes and respecting each person's inherent autonomy. In my opinion, activism is simply making sure the world knows about this framework of justice. I am compelled, no, obligated, to act on the principles that I have learned about in theory if I judge them to be true. And I do. I believe with a near religious fervor in the ideas of loving rightly and transforming my intellectual study of development into action. In fact, because I am privileged to be white in this racist world, I have a pretty big obligation to educate myself and to give back. Guilt does not play into it, only fact.

Africa has been screwed over and romanticized for hundreds of years. I've been talking about how fucked up that is since I was 12 years old and it's about damn time that I actually got my ass over there and gained something more than theoretical backing to my claims.

So come on placement office, I've been waiting for this since 1999.

Elaina

On mango rains and speaking too soon

First off, I think someone must have read my mini rant and said to the boss "we'd better look into this Elaina chick. She could be trouble" because the ball is now rolling! I received an email from the placement office today asking me for my updated resume and romantic involvement questionnaire. The RI form was a lot more in depth than the original one I filled out at my interview, giving me three scenarios ranging from one where my partner asks me to stay at the last minute to constant loneliness and difficulties of communication with differing experiences. I read a couple paragraphs to Colt, but he decided that we've gone over it so often that he's probably the best Peace Corps partner out there and probably knows more about the PC process than anyone. So I decided to just fill it out quickly and send it off with my resume. I am confident in his love and in mine for him and am nothing but completely sure that we will get through this time together, no matter what sacrifices we will both have to make.

I also bought the book by RPCV Kris Holloway about her time of service in the late 80s/early 90s in Mali called "Monique and the Mango Rains: Two years with a midwife in Mali." I've only read the first chapter, but it reads a lot like many of the PCV blogs I frequent...but with better stylistic form. I think I'm going to try to write on this thing a little more entertainingly, try to tell a story with my experiences. There are certainly better blogs out there than others and I think the biggest difference has to do with how they choose to tell their stories. Some just list the day's events and give a basic play by play while others seem to infuse the same scenarios with humor and emotion. It is invariably the latter that continue to draw me in and I hope to maintain a similar level of good writing while actually a volunteer. So stop me if I get boring!

Life is good right now. I don't think I need a PC blogging hiatus; I constantly underestimate my ability to be patient. Even now with first official contact having been made, I'm not too stressed. I definitely have senioritis pretty bad. I have two major papers to write, a huge biology project, two more exams, and a final exam all to complete before my work here is finished and I graduate. I can't believe it was four years ago that I was getting ready to leave Kansas and finish high school. It seems like only yesterday and yet so long ago. I honestly don't feel too much different as a person, although I know that I've expanded my intellectual capacity to dwell on intangible issues in the world. The beauty of a liberal arts education I think, is the ability to confidently use in a sentence things like heteronormativity and white privilege while discussing molecular genetics at a competent level. Anyway, I am definitely starting to view myself as an alum of this great institution. Which makes it difficult to actually get my work done. =D

I am running a lot these days as the Boston Marathon is coming up in exactly 1 week and I am getting prepared! I'm getting excited, too. If anyone is inclined to help fund my run, I am collecting donations for Boston Children's Hospital and you can donate at:

https://howtohelp.childrenshospital.org/bostonmarathon/pfp/Default.asp?ID=ME0064

Thanks for your support!

Anyway, that's all for now. I hope my placement officer gets back to me soon. I'd like to know when I'm being officially reviewed. But yay! Things are moving along. FINALLY! haha

Elaina

Yes, that was only a moment

of indecision. So all you placement officers out there reading this should know that I am as gung ho as ever about the Peace Corps. I think getting engaged would make anyone question their future, right?

After thinking about it and discussing it with advisers, friends, and the fiance in question, I have decided that I am still on track for this thang. I've wanted it for so long, I really just cannot give it up. I think a part of me pushed the idea away so much in the last month in order to hold off on disappointment and getting my hopes up, that the life I had envisioned had sort of faded away. That made it easier to reject it and think skipping out would make me happier.

Well, that assumption was wrong and I know that if I don't go I'll regret it forever. If I go, I'll only have my baby love to come back to. I am choosing the road with the least regrets and that means AFRICA.

They may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one

Just stopped by to say hi

and to let y'all know that I am engaged!! While my boyfriend was here he got down on one knee and proposed! I am so excited; it was a while coming and now that it's official, I couldn't be happier!

So the last couple days have been causing a lot of mental anguish as far as the Peace Corps goes. On one hand, living and working in Africa has been my dream for a lot longer than I've been in my relationship. On the other hand, however, he is one of the best things in my life and it really seems very very stupid to give that up for the unknown even if just for two years. Why should I risk something so wonderful? I guess the answer is that I am risking it for country and adventure, risking it for the opportunity to realize one of my biggest life goals. I am really going back and forth here! Right now, I am still leaning toward PC pretty heavily. He also just left yesterday and I'm always the most unsure about it when we're initially apart. In a few days I'll be gung ho again. I think.

The other reason I would have to chose to stay is that I want to start medical school next year as opposed to waiting two years. That would mean, of course, that I would be applying in just a few months. I would also need to find a job for a year...probably Americorps like I originally had planned. But damn-->AFRICA. I'm just not sure I can give it up. I'm like 90% sure I can't give it up. I want it and have wanted it for too long. The super, engaged LDR thing will be tough, but it's worth it to make sure that I have no regrets. I really belive that. I have the rest of my life to be married and be a doctor. The Peace Corps really is a once in a lifetime event and that time is now. I am accepting it with open arms!

So I'm still officially 'cold turkey' and won't be regularly checking pcjournals or the wiki...but i did notice that south africa was updated. not francophone, but getting close. Who knows? I'll be back in a couple weeks I think. I don't think I'm getting the official invite anytime soon haha.

Elaina

going cold turkey

I've decided to take a step back from this whole process and just relax for a while and enjoy my last semester of college. Since I could potentially be waiting until June (6 weeks before departure) before I find out, I think that I'm just going to have to select to be patient and just wait it out. It definitely doesn't help my stress levels to be constantly thinking about my future home. I am deciding to live in the present! My boyfriend is coming to visit me in 3 weeks, so maybe once he leaves, I'll get back into the Peace Corps mindset. Until then, I'm going to focus on marathon training and getting good grades and hanging out with friends, and planning Colt's visit!

So if you don't hear from me for a while, consider me (at least temporarily) cured from RAS and enjoying life! I'll be back in a few weeks =D

-Elaina