A Hundred Fans

My standing fan is broken and I am sweating in my hot little house as I finish the movie. I’m frustrated and itching for a cigarette. I’m thinking about tomorrow and the early trip I am taking to the regional workstation where I know I have a package from America waiting for me. I am planning my vacation, thinking about dinner tomorrow night, thinking about anything other than where I am right now, bored and alone in my hot, airless house.
I step outside as the credits start and I shut off my computer. I rummage through my purse until I find the battered box of local cigarettes with the inked label “last pack ever” across the lid. I sit in my bamboo chair and strike a match, my cat following me out the screen door to catch bugs in the florescent glow of my back porch light. I smoke there and notice the silence that has fallen in my neighborhood. All I can hear are the cicadas and the whirring of my small refrigerator fan, and the occasional moto engine in the distance. I’ve missed the sounds of the women pounding yams, or the children playing soccer with an old deflated tennis ball. Even the mosque is quiet, the evening call to prayer not even a whisper on the wind.
And there is a breeze out here, I realize. Once I step outside my cement house the cool air hits me and I wrap my pagne around myself a little tighter, enjoying the cool feeling, knowing that I’ll be sleeping soon without the comforts of a fan, wishing a had a hundred of them. I decide I want to travel to exotic places when my service here is over. I want to be a world traveler. I think about that for a while, filling my passport with stamps, taking trips with my lover, leaving the hypothetical kids at home. Mommy and Daddy trips, we’ll call them. We’ll eat local foods and learn local language. I think about those days in the future while I finish my cigarette.
I’m not ready to go inside yet. For some reason I feel like I’m missing something out here and as the winds shift I understand what that is. I am here right now. I am living here. I live in Africa. I live in Africa. Instead of berating myself for not living in the moment, I just stop thinking and listen to that silence. I watch Zaari as she intently stalks a carpenter ant and I really see her in this moment. I don’t think about the future, or my trips, or how hot I’ll be sleeping under my mosquito net tonight. I even manage to not try to guess what’s waiting for me in my American package. I just let myself go as silent as the night, and empty everything else in my life. I close my eyes and take a deep breath and find that quite unexpectedly, I am happy. I drink it in, feeling the world as simply a part of my happiness, as part of the love that I have for myself, for Zaari, for that carpenter ant.
It doesn’t last very long and soon I am wondering if there are Oreos waiting for me tomorrow and debating whether or not I should order French fries for dinner. I set my watch for three minutes and decide to meditate. I know I should get back into the habit and I’ve always felt centered after doing so. I cross my legs over the bamboo armrests and close my eyes again, forgetting the time, forgetting dinner, clearing everything away but my smile and the love I feel for the whole world. I think of myself as a small island with all the stress and frustrations swirling around me and disappearing into the earth through the legs of my chair. I breath deeply and every time my mind wanders I gently bring myself back to the center of myself, my island of calm and peace. When my watch beeps I am genuinely surprised. It had felt like 30 seconds, like I had just begun to find that peace. I stand and stretch, the pagne falling to my feet. I am here, in this moment under the African sky. I will not be shaken; we are all as one. I take another deep breath for good measure and decide to take a quick bucket shower to rinse off before climbing into bed for the night.
As I step over to my shower I see a small spider is floating at waist level, diligently building a web in the evening glow. I watch her work with a small smile on my lips. Typically freaked out by spiders I am impressed with my own calm, a direct result of my awesome meditation and powers of living in the moment, I think. She is, however, blocking my entrance to my shower. I wiggle my finger in the space around her, thinking I guess of lifting her web and depositing her elsewhere so that I can cool off in the water and go to bed in peace. Instead of just allowing me to move her, however, the spider rapidly climbs up the web and onto my hand. Immediately my calm peaceful meditation mindset vanishes and I am totally freaking out, wiping my hands together, jumping up and down, heart beat racing, praying that the damn thing is dead and not crawling over my naked skin burrowing in to lay her freaky baby spider eggs.
As my heart slows and I am sure that I am not the future host for a hundred spider babies, I start to laugh. Quiet at first and then full out cracking up. I actually have to lay my hand against the wall to steady myself (after making sure there are no bugs of course). I laugh for longer than I meditated, until my eyes are tearing up and I’m sure that nothing makes any sense anymore at all and that’s okay. I don’t have to be a balanced work of art, I can be a messy finger painting. I don’t think I could live in the moment, every moment even if I really wanted to and devoted my entire life to it. I need to plan, I need to think about the future, tomorrow, my vacations, my trips, my package from America with the possible Oreos. That’s who I am and that’s really alright, too.
I pour a couple of bowls of cool water over my back and smile, loving the cold chill of the simplicity of it, loving my body, myself. I close my eyes and rinse off the day, the stresses and frustrations, the heat, and I am content. As I step out and pick up my fallen wrap I realize that I had just spent the last few minutes living in the moment without even trying, just actually being and experiencing life. I grin to myself as I shut my screen door and put Zaari to bed.
As I climb under my mosquito net I decide that I might spend the entire night feeling too hot, wishing I had a fan, wishing I was somewhere else, but that when it really counts I can find my own inner peace, too. And that knowledge is worth a hundred fans.

Gluten Free, Camp Success, and the 4th of July: ONE YEAR IN (with photos)

Yeah, that title is ridiculous...but very descriptive of this entry!

First thing's first. I am decidedly gluten sensitive. I have experimented quite a bit with eliminating gluten products from my diet and found that all the symptoms I'd always thought were singularly lactose intolerance are linked with gluten intolerance as well. It's mild, but causes me a lot of discomfort. In the last month or two I've reduced and almost eliminated all gluten from my diet; those moments when I slip have been very noticeable. All in all, this is not that difficult to do here and basically just means I no longer eat bread, pasta or couscous. I still get plenty of yams, rice, potatoes, beans, and oats. People with Celiac Disease or high sensitivity to gluten should probably avoid oats, but I've never had trouble with them. Basically I'm going gluten free, or as close to it as I can. I just feel better all around. To celebrate, I made amazing, easy gluten-free peanut butter cookies in my dutch oven:

AHH, they were amazing and I couldn't even tell they were made without flour. One awesome thing about going gluten free here is the easy abundance of soy products. I can get tofu and awesome soy flour that basically can serve as a wheat flour substitute. These cookies have egg in them and I'm trying to be a good vegan, but that is definitely tricky here. In America, I'm going full out vegan, but for now, I'm just avoiding dairy, cheese, eggs and transitioning a bit. 

Going vegan for me is just going to be a great way to feel more connected to the Earth, to my particular brand of spirituality and philosophy, and to be healthy in a way that ecologically and economically impacts our planet and the animals in it. I don't know if I'll be vegan forever, but I think this time I'm really serious about it. When I get back to America for good next year I'll be scoping out those cheese substitutes hardcore!

Switching gears, we just finished up with Camp Sucess up here in Djougou. We had 60 girls from all over the Donga region and we spent the week talking about empowerment, sexual health, healthy relationships, self-esteem, staying in school and not getting pregnant. 

It was great to see the girls making plans and becoming friends. I spent a lot of the week doing general help, running all over Djougou getting supplies and making sure everything ran smoothly. I also had my fair share of time with the girls and really enjoyed getting my hair done and dancing late into the night!

 My session was the sexual health one and I had a local midwife nurse from the health center come and talk to the girls about what sex is and how pregnancy happens...and how to avoid it! It went really well and I know they learned so much.

 I laughed more and was impacted more as a volunteer in Africa than I have been up to now. Camp was hands down the best and most moving experience of my time in Africa so far. 

doesn't Jared look adorable?

Anyway, immediately after camp let out, many volunteers met up in Djougou for the fourth of July celebratory weekend. The weekend included a huge soccer match against the Germans, an American football match (I scored a touchdown!), lots of beer, freestyle rapping, and an awesome rainbow.

Team America and Team Germany all together in harmony after the big USA win (1-0, my postie, Doug, scored the winning goal!)

This is a tiny sack filled with honey flavored sodabe, African moonshine. 

Doug eating a victory meal of pate blanche, sauce des legumes, and a cold beer

This rainbow circled the sun during the afternoon of the American football match

Post BBQ and post busting out some 4th of July themed rap fireworks.

I can't believe I've been here a year (well, in about a week). The new stage has arrived already and are all cozied up in their host families' houses. I've scheduled my mid-service medical exam for September, and am at the point where I can plan out my work for the rest of the year. I'm not really sure what I'll be doing after January, but until that point I actually have a lot going on!

Time has flown by a lot faster than I would have thought. And everyone says the next year goes by even faster. We've got some more ETs coming up, two people that I know of. That puts our total at fourteen people out of our original 59. At this point they said that it would be 20%. I didn't believe it then, but here we are, one year later. A year ago the idea of ETing was just terrifying, something that only people who couldn't cut it did...now, I see that each instance is very specific, very unique to that person. It isn't always a clear cut "oh, Africa/Peace Corps wasn't right for them" or even that it wasn't right for them "right now." Sometimes it just is right for a certain amount of time and then it's not anymore...things change, especially work situations. I can understand that. Who knows what the future will bring for the rest of us? A year is a long time...even if it passes by quickly!

Here's to us! We did it!

back to the blogosphere

I don't really like that word "blogosphere," but I suppose that's what this world is, a little sphere. I know that right now, while I'm specifically blogging about Peace Corps life, is the time when I will probably have the most followers, the most people who regularly read my thoughts about life. It's interesting to know that the scope of this blog has gotten pretty wide. In a lot of ways, that's exactly what I wanted. I wanted to share my experiences with the rest of the world. In other ways, though, it's a bit nerve wracking. Clearly, the powers that be ARE paying attention to what we write, and the idea of censorship just makes me feel pretty icky all over. Because I'm applying to med school right now, I don't want to mess with it, though. Part of me definitely feels that if the Peace Corps thinks something on my blog is inappropriate, med schools would probably agree, and so ultimately it's only a good thing that I am censoring myself, even if it came about through third party censorship. So really, in the long run, no harm done.

And the point of all that was to say: I'm not going anywhere! I'll stop the cursing and maybe think twice about posting negative thoughts, but other than that, I'm sticking around. I still have a lot of time left and a lot of things still to say about the Peace Corps, about Africa, about Benin, and about my life. And I know y'all are still listening, so thank you.

I'm updating my wish list to include more vegan, gluten-free items (more on that later...with a recipe and pictures!), and I'll be posting a few entries today and working on med school applications all day. I'm in Cotonou, just living it up. I live in Africa, man. And life is good.

Sexual Violence and the Peace Corps at 50

This article is a preview of the hearings held by congress today, which can be streamed here.

Kate Puzey's mom, Lois, gave testimony as well, speaking to the need for whistleblower protection and confidentiality breeches leading to her daughter's death. I couldn't watch the video so someone should let me know if anything unexpected or promising occurs. I doubt it will, but I am feeling extremely pessimistic and bitter about the Peace Corps as an organization right now, although I just want to preface this entire post by saying that I love the Peace Corps and simply want it to reach its potential as the force I know it can be, the organization that I believe in. But right now it needs to make some serious changes.

The first time I was made aware of the Peace Corps inappropriate response and attitude toward victims/survivors (I will use the word survivor in my own words and only use "victim" when quoting others) of sexual assault and rape was the third or fourth week of training. We were all gathered at Songhai for our weekly medical training session and most of us were dreading pretty hard the "rape talk." We were actually surprised with it on that Tuesday as we were expecting it the following week. Immediately I knew this was going to be bad. You should never surprise a group of people with a sexual violence discussion because you never know who will be triggered in the audience. That day, someone who needed to avoid the conversation would not have been able to without causing a scene. I was very interested in how they would present the information. As a women's college graduate with a modest but passionate background in women's studies, I was worried about the ability of the male host country national physician employed by PC/Benin to give a sensitive and appropriate talk on the subject. My concerns were, at first, made irrelevant because they showed a video. I thought, "Oh good! The Peace Corps knows that HCN doctors probably aren't the best resources for this information so they've prepared something with a strong survivor-empowering message for us to watch instead." Oh boy was I so wrong. The video very clearly focused on survivor's use of alcohol and culturally inappropriate attire as reasons for getting into risky situations, a clear case of "victim-blaming" that I was disgusted to see from an official Peace Corps Washington video. The rest of the video was similar; women cried and were vague about the help they got from Peace Corps. It was made clear that pursing legal action would be difficult and the primary message was "don't get too close to men and drink too much." I was horrified. When the HCN doctor finally did start talking I was further devastated. There were casual references to rape and assault situations, joking and making light of the video, more victim-blaming, and discouragement for coming forward if anything ever actually happened here.

I excused myself, went to the bathroom, and cried. I was already tired and frustrated with stage (training is just, in general, sort of a frustrating time) and the idea that statistically SOMEONE in the room had experienced an assault or rape and was being forced to listen to this crap was so disheartening I literally couldn't take it. One in four American women has had an experience like that and most of us know what it's like to get close or feel the threat of it and discussions of rape and assault can be extremely triggering and must be treated with respect. Dismissive attitudes of both our facilitator and the video itself were disturbing and so inappropriate for an organization representing America that I had to literally grieve for a few minutes.

I put this information in my training review of course. It was one of the biggest problems I've had with the Peace Corps and since then I've learned increasing amounts of information about the inappropriate response of the Peace Corps to volunteers who become victims of crime. Current PCVs and RPCVs should absolutely participate in the First Response Action survey regarding our sexual assault training here.

 I've felt extremely compelled the entire time of my service by Kate Puzey's story and the response of PC/Benin and Washington. PCVs in Benin are intimately aware of inefficiencies in this area and it is a source of constant frustration. I find it hard to believe that ALL Peace Corps countries have this much malcontent on administrative issues. I know it's tough everywhere, but I honestly think the ET rate would be higher worldwide if it was like Benin everywhere (approaching 25% here). That gives me hope that we just happen to be in a more "malignant" program that is doing its best to change and become better equipped to handle itself. The idea that other countries might be better is encouraging. But as far as crime responses go, it seems like it's a worldwide Peace Corps fault. Especially as far as sexual assault and rape reporting goes.

I won't repeat statistics and stories you can read elsewhere, but it's a problem in reality and not just the attitude of the training video screened. Reporters are not valued, treated like they were the cause of their own effect, and discouraged from pursuing justice. This is often done in the name of cultural sensitivity and understanding but really it's just bullshit. No culture condones rape even if the details are varied across the spectrum. But the important thing is that American norms on the subject are very serious and frankly, the Peace Corps should treat these incidents exactly the same as if they happened in America. The fact that host country nationals are in administrative positions shouldn't matter. Train them to respond as an American to these issues. There's no excuse.

A few solutions were presented in the NYT article that I agree with wholeheartedly and think are feasible and legitimate. One, hiring someone trained in sexual assault survivor empowerment to specifically overhaul the Peace Corps's approach to these incidents and their appropriate response through trainings and policy revamping. Two, get rid of that fucking video and replace it with something created by a knowledgeable and credible crisis center or organization. Three,  the development of "sexual assault response teams" to collect forensic evidence and provide advocacy to survivors. I also think there needs to be an advocacy group established in each country of volunteers and trained professionals who can counsel on that specific country's procedures for filing a report and pressing charges. Another suggestion would be to follow the First Response  Action group's 7 point plan to specifically address issues of sexual violence against Peace Corps Volunteers including the "Survivor Bill of Rights" with standardized protocols of response. These things should be legislated in the states and enforced abroad immediately.

Politics should not enter into the equation at any point. This is not a Democrat/Republican issue at all, but an American one. We are serving our country and the world and should be protected appropriately under law. These arguments do not devalue the promise of the organization promised by JFK or hurt the Democrats and should not lead to funding cuts or compromised legitimacy of the Peace Corps. Director Williams needs to commit to supporting future legislation protecting the volunteers because it's the only responsible course of action he can follow as the head of an organization with increasing numbers of female volunteers in the world.

These criticisms are not aimed at breaking down the Peace Corps or discouraging future, interested volunteers, especially women. I think this has been and will continue to be one the most life changing and powerful experiences of my life. I love Benin and I love the people. I feel at home here and am more proud than I've ever been to be an American citizen and a representative of my country abroad. I think joining the Peace Corps is one of the best decisions I ever made and would encourage people to follow me. But I also know that the organization can be improved, the experience of women in the world can be made safer and healthier and more in tune with truer American values. The Peace Corps has a responsibility to act as a role model in how it responds to sexual violence; it is a visible organization and a powerful force in a world that generally mistreats and devalues women. It's about damn time it started acting like it.

Probably the worst thing ever (and some good ones, too)

So colt is not coming to Benin tonight. If he had made his flight with his visa and passport he'd be getting here in Cotonou in exactly 2 hours. But he didn't get his visa/passport back from the benin embassy in time and so he didn't get on a flight to Benin and so he won't be getting here in 2 hours...in fact he might not be coming here at all unless he gets his visa/passport before his next scheduled flight which he set for the 24th. Nothing is set in stone, I should have known better than to get so hopeful, but I can't help it. I always hope and I always put all my damn eggs in one basket and when they break I'm always surprised even though it was the hundredth time and I'd do it again in a heartbeat. So, long story longer, I was angry, than sad, than angry, than numb, and now I'm just tentatively optimistic. I'd...um...sort of like to see him, you know? But I'm done ranting and crying and complaining to everyone around me. I think everyone here is sick of me...especially since I spent the last like five days complaining at least four times a day about how much the the humidity in the south sucks!

Good things: I bought a hookah for not too expensive and smoked some delicious apple/vanilla tobacco at Kara's amazing second story apartment in Cotonou. It was wonderful and relaxing and really helped take my mind off of...that really really unpleasant stuff in the paragraph preceding this one...ha. We went up on the roof and watched stars and airplanes coming into the airport...although it was really depressing thinking about how colt wasn't...er...on one of those planes approaching West Africa right now. Ok, fine, let me say one more thing about the suckiness of this whole thing. Like ten people have friends, family, and lovers coming to visit this week and I'm just like in this unpleasant limbo listening to people talking about it and ugh. it sucks. I mean, the other guy's fiance's flight got in tonight at like 11:30pm and I was totally on the roof when her plane touched down and i was totally bummed. But than someone made a joke about sheep and boredom and well, all was good for a while.

Other good things: this extra time means i can actually clean my house, buy some food, and get clothes from the tailor before colt (maybe) arrives.

Bad things: We can't go on safari anymore and I had to cancel our reservation for that. I don't think we can afford to go now, either in time or money since he had to pay like the majority of the ticket price in order to just switch the dates of his departure. He would still have to go back to the US the same original day, the 5th. So that sucks.

Other bad things: I find it unlikely that there will be enough money for me to get a refridgerator. And i'm not gonna lie, at this point I was almost more excited for that than colt. Almost.

Good things: I bought three cans of diet coke to take back to Djougou. I was going to wait and put them in the fridge, but I don't think I'll be able to wait just to be disappointed, you know. I think I'll be drinking them during this next few days of really intense waiting.

Other good things: I purchased some champagne at Erevan for colt's (hopefully) visit/christmas. I was really proud because I talked to the guy for a while about what was the best brand for my money...i really wasn't prepared to spend the 30 mille for real champage, so i convinced him that good sparkling wine would work and got a good bottle for 4 mille. GO ME!

More happiness thoughts to keep my sanity: the Cotonou workstation is almost completely decked out in Twilight posters which makes my heart sing whenever I see taylor lautner smiling out at me.

Also: I am going to try to get Anthony Bordain from NO RESERVATIONS to come to Benin. We've all decided that I am the one in charge of creating the suggestion letter and sending it to him. We think a Peace Corps themed show in 2011 is perfect because it's the 50th year anniversary for the Peace Corps and it's like the premier volunteering organisation in the world and well, you know, television shows like that stuff. Doug and Kim are applying for the Amazing Race, so it only makes sense to jump in on this. He can stay at my house and I'll take him to this awesome yam pilee place...yes, I'm seriously stoked about it. Actually, if someone wants to download NO RESERVATIONS episodes and send them to me, I'd be really really happy and love you forever.

Also: Just read NEW MOAN, a Twilight parody that Dana sent me and it was probably the best thing ever (in contrast to the title of this blog post haha). Thank you DANA and FAMILY!

AND: SWIMMING!! The American ambassdor opens up his swimming pool to Peace Corps volunteers each Saturday afternoon and this was the first time I happened to be in Cotonou on a Saturday so I went swimming with Eric and Heather and Kara and a bunch of other volunteers. It was glorious and even though I only had a bra and panty combo, I felt like I was in America for a few hours...somewhere in America with palm trees and poorly constructed french...but still. I definitely got a bit sunburned.

I've decided that I am going to start going to mosque more frequently like probably once a week. I like my headscarf, I like the rituals, it's relaxing and really helps me integrate into the community, which is really difficult to do in a larger city like mine. And I can learn local language that way and even work on my casual Arabic which is really kick ass.

OH! Another good thing: I got a Dendi practice book to study! I'm going to learn so much I cannot wait. All the mamans qui vendent les choses will sit through my practicing and love it so much I've never had anyone so excited by my education except for maybe my dad when I was like 8. Ah, it's so exciting!

Hmmm, quelle autre? I love air conditioning and there's a lot of it this week....er....hmmm. I'm taking a FREE shuttle up to Djougou on Monday instead of the bus, so I'm saving some money, right on with your right on. Keep on with your keepin' on. Yeah, i should probably go shower and go to bed now...colt's nonflight would be getting here in one hour and 20 minutes and I'd be getting picked up from the workstation to head over to the airport in like 15 minutes.

Wow, these next few days are going to be awful. But (hopefully, the eggs! the eggs! one basket! faire doucement!) when he gets here, all will be remedied. At least after I give him the silent treatment for a whole five minutes or something.

a light at the end of the tunnel

Things are looking up. Colt will be here in 29 days, the Harmattan winds have started bringing cooler nights and wonderful midday breezes, my french is almost always adequate in any given situation, and those damn baby goats are as cute as ever. I have a new found sense of duty after filling with patriotism post season two of the west wing. i am serving my country by living here, i am working toward international cooperation and peace by living with the people making little money and hand washing my laundry. There is honor in that and i am really starting to believe it. I thought I believed it when I applied, but Peace Corps applicants have no idea about so many things. I think it takes at least a good chunk of a year to realize how much you don't know and even more time after that to find the perspective that will foster effective work. I am at that point. I started so completely misguided and I had done my homework! I was as possibly prepared as can be expected from a well educated American 22 year old and rounding up to my fifth month here I am only now seeing that there might actually be a place for me here. I had to get lost in myself, in the dark, before I could see the possibility for something other than a cheap idealism. I have come full circle as it were, and i am just now understanding that there was something almost insincere about our desire to serve.

much ado about rien

ok, it has been a while. if i make some mistakes here it is bc of the french keyboard i am using at work. as some of y'all may know, my computer cord died. yes, the elecricity surged and my cord was plugged in...leading to explosion and dead cord. luckily my computer wasn't actually plugged in at the time...so i am entrain de waiting for a new one from dad...and apparently there are also dark chocolate peanut m&ms in the package; score. on the subject of packages; no i have not received yours; anyone's. i am going to the nati workstation soon and i will hopefully have a nice pile waiting.

Just for kicks, here is what it looks like if i type without cherching for the correct keys:

i just typed like q hourùs zorth of ,qteriql qnd of course none of it zqs sqved:::so i q, going to try to not throz q fit qnd just cql,ly try to re,e,ber zhqt i typed here qnd hope thqt i donùt throz so,ething out the zindoz in frustrqtion:

so i cannot really remember what i had written here...i have typed for an hour and published it and of course it didn't work for wharever stupid reason. aaargh, i guess i'll just give a mini update.

i have been running, i made a beninese friend who runs with me and helps me with my french...which has gotten a lot better, but still needs a lot of work. i have read like twenty different books including all the twilights, a david sedaris, some robin cook, a little john irving, a book about running, and a lot of my pathology textbook. i thought maybe not having a computer would induce some sort of ascetic like revelation about the spirit sucking technology dependant, but honestly i am just really missing watching californication and other movies. i LIKE technology, i like the internet; i like being connected to the world. give me an iphone or give me death!

as far as work goes, i still do a lot of sitting and waiting. i'm trying to not let it get to me; it's pretty typical for the first few months at post. i've been reqding my pathology book at work and people just say ''good work!'' whenever they walk by. i also spend a couple days at the maternité and hopefully i'll be helping out with births in a few weeks. the sage-femme (mid-wife) doesn't really know what to do with me; i'm not a nurse or doctor and can't speak particularly good french. hopefully that will get better as they get used to me hanging around.

i had been doing a lot of cooking, but i've been eating out a lot more. the wagasi on the streets is just so much better than i can make it especially with yam pilée and the couscous qnd omelette plate at this one cafetariat in town is fabulous. i have also discovered watchi, this delicious rice and beans combo that combined with savory wagasi is soooo freaking good. since i've been cooking for myself less i've naturally been sick a lot more. in the last month i've been sick enough for cipro at least twice although i think it's from the same salad place that got me sick on post visit. i'm going to keep eating out, but not go there and see how i do. since i'm all out of cipro now...seems like a good time.

i'm writing more since i am sans computer, working on my YA novel about fairies that i started last fall in my writing for children class. it so far has a suspiciously twilight tinged feel to it, but hopefully once i transcribe it to computer i can edit a bit of that out. i am writing in these little 80 page cahiers that are gridded like for geometry or high school chem and really hating the shitty cheap pens that are so ubiquitous here. someone please send me those four-in-one bic pens. they are my favorite and remind me of taking notes in organic chem and genetics.

i saw a facebook event ad for the wellesley sex carnival tomorrow and felt a surge of pride that the tradition continues. my beninese friend would pee her pants if she heard about that, haha.

well, i think that's it for now; i am really getting tired of this keyboard. i have a couple insanely cynical and depressing entries that i've written in the cahiers, but i think i'll save them for later. right now i am looking forward to some couscous, omelettes, and fries and life is good.

i miss and love you all, please send chocolate.

e

Counting Down

I am trying to not have Restless Applicant Syndrome. It is not an easy condition to avoid, however. I wake up each day and check my email to see if there is the foreshadowed toolkit update message. But alas. I feel like I just want to know so that I can go buy a bunch of books about the country and learn its history and its people. I want to start creating a picture in my mind of what this experience will be, but I just think its too premature to begin doing that unless I have a country name and a specific date when I'd be leaving.

Benin. Staging dates in the beginning of July according to the Wiki and also doing some clever PC journals reconnaissance makes this West African country the most likely. I know this by spending way too much time at Peace Corps Journals.com, and looking at the Benin health extension volunteers' dates of staging. It seems like the most recent one was July 2009...which suggests a repeat performance this year. OF COURSE, I don't want to get my hopes up or anything and honestly I'd be happy anywhere in Africa, but if this is the place, that is seriously awesome. Birthplace of voodoo, beautiful beaches, history of Marxist-Leninist dictatorship?! What is there not to love?

I am so grateful to have a relatively obstacle free process going on here. There are so many potential applicants who don't get to this point or have to fight hard to get to where I am. So I am grateful for my waiting. I am glad to have the chance to have to fight off restless applicant syndrome!

Honestly, I am just anxious to be finished with college and I am ready to move onto my next adventure. If that experience can impact the lives of others in a positive way than I am even more anxious to begin. This is the opportunity of my life here and not something that realistically I will ever be able to do again in the same way. I am not naive and don't plan on saving the world or anything. I am well aware that the person who will most be impacted by my service is myself and I am okay with that. We are a global society, but we know so little about each other. If I can represent America to a few people, perhaps some of that misunderstanding can be alleviated. I guess that's what peace really is.