You can't take the Midwest out of the girl...

For the last few days I have been feeling more homesick than usual. Perhaps it’s the number of birthdays I’m missing in the end of April, the fact that I know spring is looking toward summer days in America, or that I’ve actually been busy and unable to really reflect on things until they jump out and surprise me. Whatever the reasons, I’m missing home to a higher degree than I’ve ever felt in all my time living away from home.

Feeling homesick to me is like having a major part of yourself not in sync. You feel out of step, out of place, left behind. That part of you is still attached to somewhere across the ocean and the connecting thread is being played like a guitar string, lurching and swaying, it pulls you off course. For me, the feeling of homesickness is being able to close my eyes and the first thing I see is open highway with the cattle grazing fields stretching out to the horizon. It’s seeing Buffalo Wild Wings and Hollywood 14 theaters. The taillights and streetlights on Wannamaker Boulevard. The long drive up to North Topeka past all the familiar turn-offs and houses, signs and sights that I always thought trivial but are a part of where I come from.

A lot of this recent bought of homesickness is just missing the people in my life. Usually most of the ache is for Colt, a feeling that I have long come to terms with even though it never really gets any better. But this thing lately is a lot bigger than that. Missing him is there, sure, it always is. The last few days, though, I’ve been missing my mom, my dad, Jeni and Stephen, Oliver, Zach and Lucas, Skyler, and especially Josh. My family. Maybe it’s because I feel like we’re once again on some sort of transitional brink and I cannot be there to be a part of it. Maybe it’s because Zach is a teenager now which seems like some overwhelming dive off a cliff into new territory, a slap in the face to how fast time really has gone by. A lot of it is Josh, making big decisions about his future. How I wish I could be there to be a part of those choices. For me, a lot of homesickness often feels suspiciously like guilt. It’s been five years since I’ve lived in Kansas for any length of time and my family dynamic has learned to function without me in it. Of course that’s exactly what is supposed to happen when you grow up. But I feel left out so often, forgotten. And then I just feel guilty when I realize it’s my own fault.

I miss my friends, too. My college friends in a different way from my high school friendships that I have maintained and the new home friendships I’ve built. There’s an assumed fierce independence with my college friends. We’re all out doing amazing awesome things like Teach for America and law school. We don’t really have time to be overly sentimental. We all come from very different regions in the world, too, so there’s no guarantee that our long distance friendships will ever be more than that. There’s a few people I really miss, but college is different than those friendships built up and kept strong for ten years or more.

A lot of my high school friends are also doing amazing things. Graduations, getting real live grown-up jobs, getting married, having babies. Most of those friendships are either strong enough to not worry about too much or have faded over the years of me being so far away from home. A few have rekindled after a few years of absenteeism. Several I have just plain neglected. I’ve also built a few new friendships, mostly through Colt, but still important to me, especially looking to the future (Sydney!). Right now I’m really missing Jen, Aaron, Megan, and Mal. I found some old photos of us from the fall of 2008 and was in tears. I’m not a super sentimental person, but I miss just hanging out and being ridiculous. I’ve never had to pretend to be anyone I wasn’t for them. Finding friendships like that is rarer than you might think and I’m realizing that I’ve taken them for granted for a long time.

The people and the places make up the part of me still tied to Kansas. I facebook surf every few days and am constantly reminded of the way it feels to be home, doing the simple things that just don’t exist here and aren’t missed until they’re gone. So I’m taking stock right now! Here’s what I miss most about home:

Meeting a friend for coffee at starbucks, getting dinner at a bar and grill, BWW, good wine, driving through the countryside with the windows rolled down and the radio blaring, playing on a playground, Gage park, the early Italian brunch at Paisano’s with Colt, Papa Murphy’s cheese pizza, sushi from HyVee, walking up Mass Ave in Lawrence, incense, air conditioning, fresh cut grass, sunflowers, Mallory and Zach and their awesome house, going for a long run in crisp morning air, Chipotle, movie theater popcorn, the fluffy, cuddling, Colt’s mischievous smile, premade clothes and department store smells, Candyopolis, Taco Bell cheesy bean and rice burritos, youtube videos on mom’s iphone with Zach and Lucas, my living room and the people sitting in it, cooking with a full kitchen, cupcakes, making cookies with the kids, visiting Wichita and seeing Jeni and Stephen and Oliver and Dad, playing in Dad’s lab, champagne, Aaron Dean Senne, Juice Stop blueberry and banana smoothies, feeling cold, kisses, Barnes and Nobel, easy internet access, quiche and salad at Annie’s with Sydney, sexy cars, the fabulous Megan Greening and Olive Garden lunches with my favorite ladies, girl talk with Kira, dinners at Colt’s parents house, laying out looking up at the stars in the summer, Kansas sunsets, political protests and civic action, super Walmart and giant Dillons, Skyler and the Sunflower house, everything else about Lawrence, my amazing mom, high heels, wearing contacts and dressing up, feeling clean from head to toe, Jennifer Long, anonymity, football on TV, Cold Stone Creamery, fake meat, cheese, the apartment, Dan and Nick, video games, watching Netflix movies with dinner, enchiladas, snow, Josh and his leather jacket, open fields surrounded by old barbed wire fences, antiques, the way my house smells like home, everything else about Colt Sellens.

I wanted to leave Kansas for so long, to get out, get over the rainbow. I wanted so badly to do the great things I am doing now in Africa, live how I am living with the people I have made my friends. I don’t regret my choices, but I am surprised at how much I feel connected to America, to Kansas. It’s almost like I never expected to feel pride at calling where I come from “home,” but I am proud and I really do miss it with more intensity than I ever have or thought I would. I think I’m growing up a little bit, appreciating my background a little more, giving more credit to the people and the place that made me who I am. That doesn’t mean I ever want to actually live in Topeka again. But being close enough to visit sounds pretty okay to me.

Send me mail!

Elaina Murray, PCT
Corps de la Paix Americain
01 B.P. 971
Cotonou, Benin
Afrique de l’Ouest (West Africa)

These tips are from one of the married couples' blog (not the ones that look like me and colt), Craig and Heather's Excellent Beninois Adventure:

"If you do write us letters, be sure to number them on the envelope because they may hold our mail until we get more so they can give it to us at once or they may come out of order. Also, from what we have read, we will probably not have access to internet for an extended period of time after we arrive, like 1-2 months! So don't worry if you don't hear from us online. Snail mail may be the only way you'll hear from us during our first couple months so get the ball rolling and start writing us so we have letters to respond to. :)

As of now, no packages are necessary at this point because we don't know what we will have access to and what is available over there yet, but if you want to send your dear friends/family a care package in the future, here are some tips for any future packages:

Never write the real contents of a package. Write general items such as "food," "clothes" and "magazines"- not the specific items or brand names. Don't give them any reason to want anything that is inside.

Never write the real value of items on the customs form. Always put $10 or less otherwise, we have to pay taxes on packages. If they think there are valuable items in a package, they will open the package and then charge us more money or they may take

the contents for themselves.

Write "Dieu Te Regarde" on the package in large letters. This translates as, "God is watching you" and if they are religious, there is less of a chance it will get opened and looted through. It also helps to write everything (even addresses) in big RED letters because that is generally associated with government or top secret things that they don't want to mess with.

You will want to include an itemized list of the contents in the package so if there is something missing, we will know it. If they don't know English, then they won't know what the note says, and even if they do, they will know that someone paid attention to what was sent so if everything doesn't make it, there is more of a chance of someone following up. Lastly, use the US Postal Service- not a FedEx or UPS."

Well, y'all. I definitely want packages at some point, but right now, I'd really just like letters and photos. Or magazines so I can make sweet decorations for my house later. But for the next two months or so, I'll be with the host family, so I won't really get to do a lot of my own decorating or anything.

So, let's talk communication. I have quite a bit of time in the PC office before I head back to the hotel for dinner. Basically, phones here work through a couple different companies, the main and most reliable and used one is MTM. Phones are cheap and there are a lot of crappy knock offs, but real brands, primarily Nokia, are the way to go. Most volunteers have a small $50 black phone from Nokia that texts and calls. You buy credit from these dudes on the street and then enter the code into the phone to put it on. 500cfa is about $1 and will get you about 5 minutes of conversation, which seems not bad, but it's ridiculously expensive. That's for you to call someone. If someone calls you, than it's free for you to talk. So, if I call the states, I have to pay that ridiculous amount, but if someone from the states calls me than I can talk for free. So all y'all rich folk in the states will need to be calling me. Mostly, what I think will happen is I'll call really quickly and hang out and than you can call me back.

Now, it costs for you, too. But it's waay cheaper. You're best option is to use skype and go through your iphone. Just download the program, you are smart and can figure it out. You can also use skype on your computer. You need a microphone and speakers...clearly. I think you can also buy international calling cards and use them as well, but I don't really know the process for that, but I'm sure you can figure it out as well. Or you can just forgo regular phone conversations and be content with like a 5 minute one every now and again from me. Or wait for internet...facebook messages are good. Wall posts are not so good bc I really won't be able to respond to them if I'm limited in my time online. Email is always an option as well since that's usually the first thing I'll check with facebook.

I gave my preferences today for where I'd like to be at post and I said I want: Cell phone service, electricity, and a post close to Cotonou. I said I was ambivalent about post mates and running water. So we'll see. My optimal experience would be to live like an hour or less away so that I can come to Cotonou as often as possible. But we'll see where they put me. I hope my directness at saying "please put me near Cotonou with electricity and phone service" was perhaps a bit more direct than other volunteers and that means they'll give me what I want.

Well, that's about that. I think, interestingly, I've exhausted my internet capacity for now. I wish mom or zach or lucas or oliver or jeni or skyler or josh was on facebook so we could chat! I'll be online most of tomorrow, too, so I should be able to do that then...if anyone actually reads this!

Miss you all,

Elaina

GANHI

We went to the Cotonou marketplace a bit after I updated my blog and I totally have fallen in love with Africa. The market, called Ganhi, was amazing. I saw the sweetest jewelry and shoes and bags and tissue (the long colored fabric here). There was this silver necklace with a tiny shape of Africa that I almost got, but didn't think I should spend 13000 cfa on it right now. Maybe next time.

Colt says i can wait for the ipod to die and then recharge it. so that's the plan. I like getting on facebook and updating my status and then seeing like 40 notifications in two days. it's pretty sweet lol.

I honestly dont' have much else to update about. it's time for lunch now and i'm talking to colt on skype! best thing EVERRRRRRRRRRRr

Oh, and i'm totally getting my wedding dress made here because it is mad cheap and i can get the hippy flowy style i am going for. Woot!

E

Travels to....AFRICA

11:10pm EST, JFK airport, USA

I’m typing this in the JFK airport, but I don’t actually have internet access…this is my first attempt at a word document to flash drive transfer blog post! I hear a very nasty rumor that internet cards don’t work with Windows 7 starter…which, incidentally, is the operating system of my beautiful new netbook. Sooooo, I could end up with no computer access at post. BUT, I am pretty sure I’ll be able to get online relatively regularly while in the capital, during training until September. It’s after that that is unknown. And if I can’t do the online thang while at post, I’ll be typing on my netbook’s word processor and taking my flash drive with me to the headquarters once or twice a week if possible. If I’m close by. I reeeally hope I am c lose to the main cities.

We’ve just been hanging out here for the last like 6 hours and I am starting to get hungry again haha. That sub sandwhich was goooood. Me and a couple dudes from the group went out on a pretty suhweet Philly tour and saw the liberty bell, Independence Hall, and all sorts of crazy Philadelphian nonsense. In the process I procured a tasty sub and worked my way through it during the next several hours. It was awesome. But, I don’t think it will be my last meal, since we still have an hour before boarding and I am feasting my eyes on a delicieux croissant. MMMMMMM, oui oui! Au revior for now, mes chers!

2:00am EST, Somewhere over the Atlantic, Int’l waters

EXHAUSTED. I can’t sleep though…and I’m not actually sure what time it is.

7:00pm Cotonou, Benin

Ooook, so I sort of stopped chronicaling my travels, but I am now actually in AFRICA!

4:07pm Benin/10:07am CST, Peace Corps Headquarters, Cotonou, Benin

So here I am! Alive and well. I just updated facebook and sent emails to mom, dad, and colt...and the best thing ever: CALLED COLT! We talked for about 7 minutes after I woke him up and it was soooooooooo goooooooooooood. I bought credit for a different volunteer's phone and she let me use hers. I felt so happy to hear from him and he was so adorable. OH man, this long distance thing sucks!

But Africa is cool. Well, actually it's pretty hot outside right now, but not ridiculous. And there's been a nice breeze actually around the hotel we're staying at. I have a mosquito net, and a flushable toilet and shower head with cold water, but it's fine because it's better than hot.

But I think we're actually getting ready to leave now...and I need to let colt know my schedule on facebook...so I should get a moving!

I'll definitely have more later!

E

PS. We saw tiny frogs the size of like a big ant! It was freakish! And lizards are everywhere! And I have so much else to write about!

only one w-word until the a-word

That's what Colt is saying. Every time he brings up our impending uber-separation I either burst into tears or declare loudly that I don't want to talk about it. He pointed out this morning that we should probably talk about it sometime other than in the airport next Wednesday. Well, perhaps.

Packing update: I officially own or have access to everything that I will be taking with me to Africaland. It is all pretty much gathered in my old room at my mom's house, scattered among the 10 totes of other stuff I own that I will be leaving with her. I have 1 big duffel bag and a smaller one with a pretty nice black canvas backpack to carry everything in. I've also used up almost all of my mom's ziplock bags by storing all my toiletries in them. I searched high and low for solar powered rechargeable batteries, but could not find them. And then I realized that I'm not really bringing anything that requires battery power. Sometimes, the blondness is tres apparent.

As I type this, I am slowly working on uploading all of my summer photos to facebook. Thesd pics include trips to Kansas City, Chicago, Oklahoma, and Texas. Most of them are definitely from my Chicago vacation/med school visit (like half from the gay pride parade!) and looking through them makes me increasingly sure that I am going to apply to Northwestern and the University of Chicago. Both campuses were awesome and I definitely fell in love with the Lincoln Park neighborhood. Molly's Cupcakes FTW! Anyway, it will be fun to visit the city again next fall when I come back to interview (assuming I even make it to the interview stage of the application process!).

The summer has been primarily lazy as far as french preparation goes. I've been incredibly lax with my studies post graduation. I guess at some point I just realized that I was going to be in a pretty low level group to start off with and it wasn't going to be particularly beneficial for me to study all summer to get up one level, after which it will be more difficult to improve. So I've been slowly moving through Harry Potter et l'ecole de sorciers, but I don't think I'm much past chapter 2 at this point. I think I can handle being one of the poorest french speakers of the group. C'est la vie.

I'm getting ready to go on a Pirates of the Caribbean binge as part of my American pop culture overload of summer 2010. Other binges have included mashed potatoes, corresponding tattoos, vegan hotdogs, little league baseball games, sunburns, and spending too much money on mediocre Italian cuisine. My facebook album, Quest: Party in the USA, is an attempt to keep track of these last few weeks of America. The fourth was fun and included a very American doubles game of ultra-competitive table tennis and semi-naked trampoline fireworks viewing. I created this delicious cookie cake that was decorated with an anatomically correct flag made of mixed berry. Yum!

Ah, Colt. Preparing for our goodbye is not something I am even remotely ready for. He is taking me to the airport and I haven't decided if I'll be so shell shocked from the immensity of the separation or if I'll flood the place with my tears. I know that I am going to be a big ball of stress about the whole thing soon. I made him promise to show some emotion sometime this week and not just always be the strong one. He has off from work all but two of the next 7 days, so hopefully we'll get in all the cuddling of two years into this week. Ugh, just thinking about him all lonely makes me sad. Next!

I'm having a lovely going away/graduation party on Friday. I am making a drink concoction called summer beer that I discovered at a friend's 21st birthday party earlier in the summer. It's light beer with vodka and lemonade. I'm pretty stoked about it. I'm also going to make funfetti cupcakes which will be good practice for our wedding reception since we'll be doing the cupcakes ourselves.

On that wonderful note, this summer I also have planned a lot of the wedding details since I won't really be around to do it in the next two years. It seems maybe a bit over the top, but I literally have a schedule of the ceremony and we've picked out the locations for it and the reception. We have a budget and have selected colors and songs and pretty much everything except reserving locations and vendors...because it's like waaay ridiculously too early for that haha. I tried on dresses, too and found styles that I think will match the look I'm going for. My plan is to actually buy the dress and make a lot of the set in stone plans when I am back in the states next fall for med school interviews. It's fun to actually think about this stuff finally!

One other thing I've slacked off with this summer is running. I think I probably went running a grand total of 10 times or something embarrassing like that. I really miss it and so does my body. I've basically gained back all my marathon training weight which is wicked lame! I'm bringing my Asics with me to Benin, so as soon as I can, I am going to find a running routine. I think I forget sometimes how much a quick jog can clear my head and calm me down. In fact, that sounds pretty good right now; maybe I'll get in a couple runs before next Wednesday.

Well, I doubt I'll be posting until Philadelphia staging. My flight is 7am on the 14th and orientation activities start at noon at the hotel in Philly. We'll all meet up and learn about safety and culture shock for two days and then late at night on the 15th we head out for Benin by way of Paris.

I think there's definitely some part of me that doesn't actually believe that it's happening. I mean, I applied over a year ago on a renewed whim and here I am just days away from leaving. It's pretty trippy and I'm sure it's just going to get increasingly mind blowing.

Keep it classy,

E

Peace Corps Benin July 2010 facebook group!

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=2104310&ref=profile#!/group.php?gid=122200677808199&ref=mf

I created one!

If anyone knows of any other Benin invitees for July, please have them join the group so we can start getting to know one another before staging!

I also linked my blog to the Benin page instead of the applicant page which feels super legitimizing haha.

Not much more to update. My aspiration statement was not that spectacular as I am in massive finals mode right now and definitely not capable of thinking deeply about my future. But, I had to write it since it was due. C'est la vie.

I got friended on fb by a current Benin volunteer who is also a Wellesley grad--small world!
Getting excited,

Elaina