whoa

I was just asked to remove blog content. Ironically, it was nothing political, but profanity. I am very upset that anyone would think me unprofessional and apologize to anyone I offended by posting my unedited thoughts. I assure you all that I am nothing but professional in practice in my work here and all frustrations are, of course, handled in appropriate ways.

I highly doubt I will be posting often during the second year of my service. I have been effectively scared off. It's unfortunate; I really did consider my blog to be one of the best ways of fulfilling the third goal. I'll be on every now and again with very generic updates, but i doubt the blog will be as free in the future. I'm also deleting my twitter. I have never considered anything I've posted there to be off putting, but I didn't think anything here was, either. I have too much on the line right now to risk it.

So I hope you've enjoyed the blog! I can't believe it's been a year.

You can't take the Midwest out of the girl...

For the last few days I have been feeling more homesick than usual. Perhaps it’s the number of birthdays I’m missing in the end of April, the fact that I know spring is looking toward summer days in America, or that I’ve actually been busy and unable to really reflect on things until they jump out and surprise me. Whatever the reasons, I’m missing home to a higher degree than I’ve ever felt in all my time living away from home.

Feeling homesick to me is like having a major part of yourself not in sync. You feel out of step, out of place, left behind. That part of you is still attached to somewhere across the ocean and the connecting thread is being played like a guitar string, lurching and swaying, it pulls you off course. For me, the feeling of homesickness is being able to close my eyes and the first thing I see is open highway with the cattle grazing fields stretching out to the horizon. It’s seeing Buffalo Wild Wings and Hollywood 14 theaters. The taillights and streetlights on Wannamaker Boulevard. The long drive up to North Topeka past all the familiar turn-offs and houses, signs and sights that I always thought trivial but are a part of where I come from.

A lot of this recent bought of homesickness is just missing the people in my life. Usually most of the ache is for Colt, a feeling that I have long come to terms with even though it never really gets any better. But this thing lately is a lot bigger than that. Missing him is there, sure, it always is. The last few days, though, I’ve been missing my mom, my dad, Jeni and Stephen, Oliver, Zach and Lucas, Skyler, and especially Josh. My family. Maybe it’s because I feel like we’re once again on some sort of transitional brink and I cannot be there to be a part of it. Maybe it’s because Zach is a teenager now which seems like some overwhelming dive off a cliff into new territory, a slap in the face to how fast time really has gone by. A lot of it is Josh, making big decisions about his future. How I wish I could be there to be a part of those choices. For me, a lot of homesickness often feels suspiciously like guilt. It’s been five years since I’ve lived in Kansas for any length of time and my family dynamic has learned to function without me in it. Of course that’s exactly what is supposed to happen when you grow up. But I feel left out so often, forgotten. And then I just feel guilty when I realize it’s my own fault.

I miss my friends, too. My college friends in a different way from my high school friendships that I have maintained and the new home friendships I’ve built. There’s an assumed fierce independence with my college friends. We’re all out doing amazing awesome things like Teach for America and law school. We don’t really have time to be overly sentimental. We all come from very different regions in the world, too, so there’s no guarantee that our long distance friendships will ever be more than that. There’s a few people I really miss, but college is different than those friendships built up and kept strong for ten years or more.

A lot of my high school friends are also doing amazing things. Graduations, getting real live grown-up jobs, getting married, having babies. Most of those friendships are either strong enough to not worry about too much or have faded over the years of me being so far away from home. A few have rekindled after a few years of absenteeism. Several I have just plain neglected. I’ve also built a few new friendships, mostly through Colt, but still important to me, especially looking to the future (Sydney!). Right now I’m really missing Jen, Aaron, Megan, and Mal. I found some old photos of us from the fall of 2008 and was in tears. I’m not a super sentimental person, but I miss just hanging out and being ridiculous. I’ve never had to pretend to be anyone I wasn’t for them. Finding friendships like that is rarer than you might think and I’m realizing that I’ve taken them for granted for a long time.

The people and the places make up the part of me still tied to Kansas. I facebook surf every few days and am constantly reminded of the way it feels to be home, doing the simple things that just don’t exist here and aren’t missed until they’re gone. So I’m taking stock right now! Here’s what I miss most about home:

Meeting a friend for coffee at starbucks, getting dinner at a bar and grill, BWW, good wine, driving through the countryside with the windows rolled down and the radio blaring, playing on a playground, Gage park, the early Italian brunch at Paisano’s with Colt, Papa Murphy’s cheese pizza, sushi from HyVee, walking up Mass Ave in Lawrence, incense, air conditioning, fresh cut grass, sunflowers, Mallory and Zach and their awesome house, going for a long run in crisp morning air, Chipotle, movie theater popcorn, the fluffy, cuddling, Colt’s mischievous smile, premade clothes and department store smells, Candyopolis, Taco Bell cheesy bean and rice burritos, youtube videos on mom’s iphone with Zach and Lucas, my living room and the people sitting in it, cooking with a full kitchen, cupcakes, making cookies with the kids, visiting Wichita and seeing Jeni and Stephen and Oliver and Dad, playing in Dad’s lab, champagne, Aaron Dean Senne, Juice Stop blueberry and banana smoothies, feeling cold, kisses, Barnes and Nobel, easy internet access, quiche and salad at Annie’s with Sydney, sexy cars, the fabulous Megan Greening and Olive Garden lunches with my favorite ladies, girl talk with Kira, dinners at Colt’s parents house, laying out looking up at the stars in the summer, Kansas sunsets, political protests and civic action, super Walmart and giant Dillons, Skyler and the Sunflower house, everything else about Lawrence, my amazing mom, high heels, wearing contacts and dressing up, feeling clean from head to toe, Jennifer Long, anonymity, football on TV, Cold Stone Creamery, fake meat, cheese, the apartment, Dan and Nick, video games, watching Netflix movies with dinner, enchiladas, snow, Josh and his leather jacket, open fields surrounded by old barbed wire fences, antiques, the way my house smells like home, everything else about Colt Sellens.

I wanted to leave Kansas for so long, to get out, get over the rainbow. I wanted so badly to do the great things I am doing now in Africa, live how I am living with the people I have made my friends. I don’t regret my choices, but I am surprised at how much I feel connected to America, to Kansas. It’s almost like I never expected to feel pride at calling where I come from “home,” but I am proud and I really do miss it with more intensity than I ever have or thought I would. I think I’m growing up a little bit, appreciating my background a little more, giving more credit to the people and the place that made me who I am. That doesn’t mean I ever want to actually live in Topeka again. But being close enough to visit sounds pretty okay to me.

zemidjian training

We did zemi training today, which are the motorcycle taxis. We are required to ride them with a helmet and not allowed to drive them. If we are caught doing either we are administratively separated. Zemis, or zems, are the primary way of transportation around the country.

We practiced today and it was amazing! It was so cool! We ride around on the back, holding onto the moto but we're not supposed to touch them, especially as a woman because it can seem like a come on if we're too touchy. We have to greet them in French, tell them where we're going, ask them the price and then haggle for a better one. They try to overcharge the yovos, but we have to explain that we're not tourists and that we know the price. My french is just...adequate at this point; I was placed in novice high and have to get to intermediate high by the end of training.

We got white moto helmets and I can't wait to decorate mine with my rainbow markers.

I'm on the lookout for tissue for my wedding dress and I would really like a cool, subtle African design on the bottom...preferably something rainbow. I saw exactly the length that I want (ankle length) and the flowy design of it on another volunteer, so I'm pretty much set.

Anyway, I am starving and can't think anymore haha.

I'm excited and really nervous to meet my host family tomorrow. I hope they are nice! Porto Novo is about an hour ride from here, so next time I get on here I'll tell you all about them! Yippie!

Au revior pour maintenant.

I also hear that pingo.com or keepcalling.com might be cheaper options than skype for getting in touch with me, so check that out!

God, I want a latte.

E

Send me mail!

Elaina Murray, PCT
Corps de la Paix Americain
01 B.P. 971
Cotonou, Benin
Afrique de l’Ouest (West Africa)

These tips are from one of the married couples' blog (not the ones that look like me and colt), Craig and Heather's Excellent Beninois Adventure:

"If you do write us letters, be sure to number them on the envelope because they may hold our mail until we get more so they can give it to us at once or they may come out of order. Also, from what we have read, we will probably not have access to internet for an extended period of time after we arrive, like 1-2 months! So don't worry if you don't hear from us online. Snail mail may be the only way you'll hear from us during our first couple months so get the ball rolling and start writing us so we have letters to respond to. :)

As of now, no packages are necessary at this point because we don't know what we will have access to and what is available over there yet, but if you want to send your dear friends/family a care package in the future, here are some tips for any future packages:

Never write the real contents of a package. Write general items such as "food," "clothes" and "magazines"- not the specific items or brand names. Don't give them any reason to want anything that is inside.

Never write the real value of items on the customs form. Always put $10 or less otherwise, we have to pay taxes on packages. If they think there are valuable items in a package, they will open the package and then charge us more money or they may take

the contents for themselves.

Write "Dieu Te Regarde" on the package in large letters. This translates as, "God is watching you" and if they are religious, there is less of a chance it will get opened and looted through. It also helps to write everything (even addresses) in big RED letters because that is generally associated with government or top secret things that they don't want to mess with.

You will want to include an itemized list of the contents in the package so if there is something missing, we will know it. If they don't know English, then they won't know what the note says, and even if they do, they will know that someone paid attention to what was sent so if everything doesn't make it, there is more of a chance of someone following up. Lastly, use the US Postal Service- not a FedEx or UPS."

Well, y'all. I definitely want packages at some point, but right now, I'd really just like letters and photos. Or magazines so I can make sweet decorations for my house later. But for the next two months or so, I'll be with the host family, so I won't really get to do a lot of my own decorating or anything.

So, let's talk communication. I have quite a bit of time in the PC office before I head back to the hotel for dinner. Basically, phones here work through a couple different companies, the main and most reliable and used one is MTM. Phones are cheap and there are a lot of crappy knock offs, but real brands, primarily Nokia, are the way to go. Most volunteers have a small $50 black phone from Nokia that texts and calls. You buy credit from these dudes on the street and then enter the code into the phone to put it on. 500cfa is about $1 and will get you about 5 minutes of conversation, which seems not bad, but it's ridiculously expensive. That's for you to call someone. If someone calls you, than it's free for you to talk. So, if I call the states, I have to pay that ridiculous amount, but if someone from the states calls me than I can talk for free. So all y'all rich folk in the states will need to be calling me. Mostly, what I think will happen is I'll call really quickly and hang out and than you can call me back.

Now, it costs for you, too. But it's waay cheaper. You're best option is to use skype and go through your iphone. Just download the program, you are smart and can figure it out. You can also use skype on your computer. You need a microphone and speakers...clearly. I think you can also buy international calling cards and use them as well, but I don't really know the process for that, but I'm sure you can figure it out as well. Or you can just forgo regular phone conversations and be content with like a 5 minute one every now and again from me. Or wait for internet...facebook messages are good. Wall posts are not so good bc I really won't be able to respond to them if I'm limited in my time online. Email is always an option as well since that's usually the first thing I'll check with facebook.

I gave my preferences today for where I'd like to be at post and I said I want: Cell phone service, electricity, and a post close to Cotonou. I said I was ambivalent about post mates and running water. So we'll see. My optimal experience would be to live like an hour or less away so that I can come to Cotonou as often as possible. But we'll see where they put me. I hope my directness at saying "please put me near Cotonou with electricity and phone service" was perhaps a bit more direct than other volunteers and that means they'll give me what I want.

Well, that's about that. I think, interestingly, I've exhausted my internet capacity for now. I wish mom or zach or lucas or oliver or jeni or skyler or josh was on facebook so we could chat! I'll be online most of tomorrow, too, so I should be able to do that then...if anyone actually reads this!

Miss you all,

Elaina