whoa

I was just asked to remove blog content. Ironically, it was nothing political, but profanity. I am very upset that anyone would think me unprofessional and apologize to anyone I offended by posting my unedited thoughts. I assure you all that I am nothing but professional in practice in my work here and all frustrations are, of course, handled in appropriate ways.

I highly doubt I will be posting often during the second year of my service. I have been effectively scared off. It's unfortunate; I really did consider my blog to be one of the best ways of fulfilling the third goal. I'll be on every now and again with very generic updates, but i doubt the blog will be as free in the future. I'm also deleting my twitter. I have never considered anything I've posted there to be off putting, but I didn't think anything here was, either. I have too much on the line right now to risk it.

So I hope you've enjoyed the blog! I can't believe it's been a year.

America, heck yeah!

I've been in America for the last two weeks and I have two more to go. My mom had some surgery so I came back to help out a bit on Peace Corps dime. I am actually extremely thankful for the time and money they've given me to let me be here.

I've done a lot of thinking and came extremely close to early terminating. I had made peace with the idea of never coming back to my little Djougou house; I packed like I was leaving forever and gave away so many things that I'll have to re-buy. But honestly I don't mind. I'm really glad to be coming back, I'm actually a little surprised at how happy I am that I made the decision I did. I feel like I've had this huge weight on my chest for weeks now and it's just completely lifted and I can breathe again.

Which means I can fully enjoy my time here. We're talking movies, and so much American food. And since I've been eating meat in Africa, why change my habits for such a short amount of time here? So I've had cheeseburgers and chicken and pork and omg, I don't think I'm going to be able to go back to being a veg. Colt is making me steaks for Valentine's Day tomorrow and I'm getting a really expensive bottle of Cabernet with my per diem that I've saved up.

Reverse culture shock is a very real, and very strange thing. My dad picked me up from the airport and took me to a super grocery store and I about had a nervous break-down. I looked around and saw all the tomatoes and fruit and cereal and started mumbling like a crazy person. "You can buy the lettuce...and then the onions....and then walk over here and get cookies...and the water comes out and sprays the vegetables..." There was actually tears in my eyes. But give me a break; I was tired and jet lagged out of my mind. I actually got trapped in the Minneapolis airport because of a giant snow storm. I spent the night there when my flight was canceled and while those seats are pretty comfortable, I was still a little shaken at the hugeness of the store.

There are actually probably about a hundred different examples of me being weirded out by things that should be familiar. Colt didn't know what to do with me for a while I think. I just see so much waste here that I didn't notice before. So much ingratitude for so much stuff. I mean, we have so much freaking STUFF. Why? I'm feeling very existentialist about America's materialism right now. But at the same time, wow. I mean, WOW. America is the best place ever. We have everything you could ever want or need. I can get Chinese for lunch and Indian for dinner or get a quiche or a salad or both or buffalo wings (OMG SO GOOD) or cocktails and pizza. You can buy a rug and fan and a table and bed, all premade and ready to go. It's just sort of amazing and I don't think people appreciate it. Plus the democracy? The freedom? The sheer force of American awesomeness?? Well, that's not something I'll be forgetting on my way home to Africa.

It's kind of cool, but a few times now I've referred to my house in Djougou as 'home' without even thinking about it. And it really is. I can't say that I'm jumping at the bit to get back there right away, but knowing I'll be there soon doesn't sound too bad at all.

E

R & R

I came to Nati yesterday to think very hard about my plans for the next year and a half and get some laundry done. I hung out with a couple cool cats and we had dinner and watched movies. I've been sick so it was nice to just chill out a bit and use the internet. I spent way too much time doing wedding planning stuff and just thinking about life and priorities and making difficult decisions. No one can please everyone all the time.

But, I am headed back to Djougou today after I go to the bank and do the dishes from yesterday. This weekend I am getting my hair done with the braids and the weave; I'm super excited about it!

Well, that's all for now I suppose. The family planning week didn't happen, but I'm still hoping to get more involved with the nutrition stuff with H, the Japanese volunteer in Djougou who works at the health center on Fridays. Last Friday we talked to sixty women about the importance of only feeding their babies breast milk for the first six months. Then we filled out health cards and they all got vaccinated for several different ailments as well as weighed. The health center is very efficient and I was pretty impressed at how unnecessary I was; in fact I was more in the way than anything! That seems to be happening a lot lately.

Elaina

Yes, that was only a moment

of indecision. So all you placement officers out there reading this should know that I am as gung ho as ever about the Peace Corps. I think getting engaged would make anyone question their future, right?

After thinking about it and discussing it with advisers, friends, and the fiance in question, I have decided that I am still on track for this thang. I've wanted it for so long, I really just cannot give it up. I think a part of me pushed the idea away so much in the last month in order to hold off on disappointment and getting my hopes up, that the life I had envisioned had sort of faded away. That made it easier to reject it and think skipping out would make me happier.

Well, that assumption was wrong and I know that if I don't go I'll regret it forever. If I go, I'll only have my baby love to come back to. I am choosing the road with the least regrets and that means AFRICA.

They may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one

Just stopped by to say hi

and to let y'all know that I am engaged!! While my boyfriend was here he got down on one knee and proposed! I am so excited; it was a while coming and now that it's official, I couldn't be happier!

So the last couple days have been causing a lot of mental anguish as far as the Peace Corps goes. On one hand, living and working in Africa has been my dream for a lot longer than I've been in my relationship. On the other hand, however, he is one of the best things in my life and it really seems very very stupid to give that up for the unknown even if just for two years. Why should I risk something so wonderful? I guess the answer is that I am risking it for country and adventure, risking it for the opportunity to realize one of my biggest life goals. I am really going back and forth here! Right now, I am still leaning toward PC pretty heavily. He also just left yesterday and I'm always the most unsure about it when we're initially apart. In a few days I'll be gung ho again. I think.

The other reason I would have to chose to stay is that I want to start medical school next year as opposed to waiting two years. That would mean, of course, that I would be applying in just a few months. I would also need to find a job for a year...probably Americorps like I originally had planned. But damn-->AFRICA. I'm just not sure I can give it up. I'm like 90% sure I can't give it up. I want it and have wanted it for too long. The super, engaged LDR thing will be tough, but it's worth it to make sure that I have no regrets. I really belive that. I have the rest of my life to be married and be a doctor. The Peace Corps really is a once in a lifetime event and that time is now. I am accepting it with open arms!

So I'm still officially 'cold turkey' and won't be regularly checking pcjournals or the wiki...but i did notice that south africa was updated. not francophone, but getting close. Who knows? I'll be back in a couple weeks I think. I don't think I'm getting the official invite anytime soon haha.

Elaina