ET update, or Acronym City

I said in my last post that the PC administration doesn't make it difficult to early terminate. Well, after finishing up a couple days of processing down in the capital, I'm realizing that they don't exactly make it easy either.

The ET manual closely resembles the Close of Service (COS) one and because I have spent so much time here, most of my process resembles a COS more than it does an ET for someone who has only been in country a few months or never made it to their post or something. I must meet with almost every PC administration person, get many forms filled out and there is a master checklist that I must get signed before I meet with the administrative officer (AO). I have written a Description of Service (DOS, which I'll post here in a follow-up post), and filled out my official resignation form, and had my close of service medical exam (although I still have to talk with the PCMO about my smoking and get my TB test read...fun stuff haha). I have officially turned in all my Peace Corps stuff (mattress, gas cans, etc) and assigned books (Where There Is No Doctor, Helping Health Workers Learn and many many others), and I need to also go to the bank headquarters and close out my account (which involves a letter and basically taking out all the money left in the account). Essentially most of the things remaining that I have to do are administrative things and talking to the Country Director (CD) and the AO and having my final language interview (scheduled for the morning). I have a couple other errands I need to run in Cotonou and a few loose ends to tie up, but for the most part, I've gotten the majority of the necessary procedures finished.

Right now I'm also waiting on confirmation of my Air France flight information, but if all goes according to plan (and really, how likely is THAT going to be haha), I could theoretically be leaving Benin in the evening on Thursday, the 24th. Which, of course, is THANKSGIVING. I'll be able to have a last meal here with a few other volunteers and say some goodbyes and get a couple photos. I'm planning on wearing my nice bazin tissue, the red marbled pants and top that I wore for the new stage swear-in in September. I'm gonna be cute! Peace Corps will provide a ride to the airport with all my things and if all goes well (meaning no horrible two day delay in Paris grrrr), I could be back in Kansas City by the evening on Friday, the 25th. I won't make it for Thanksgiving, but I'll be home in time for leftovers! Woo hoo!

Ok, that's all I can think of for right now, I'll update with my DOS later on today when I think of it. I was pleasantly surprised after finishing it up. I've felt for a long time that I didn't really do that much work-wise, but then I finished writing the DOS and realized that I may have had more of an impact than I thought. Which is a lovely feeling to have as I'm leaving. Ok, talk to you later!

~Elaina

I'll be home for Christmas

Well, it's official! I am leaving the Peace Corps a few months early to go home, help my family out, and make some money before medical school. The decision was definitely a tough one and one I analyzed for a long time before calling the Peace Corps to set it up, but ultimately it's the best thing for me and my family right now. Essentially it came down to the fact that I was going to have to ET anyway, probably in April, and why should I wait around for five months, get back into a routine, and be frustrated and miserable when I could make it home for the holidays? The Peace Corps does not make it difficult to early terminate and once it comes down to a need to ET for grad school, a few extra months seem superfluous in the long run. Sure, I feel a little guilty about leaving my projects and work partners behind (and I am close to traumatized about leaving Zaari), but everyone has been very understanding, especially of the fact that in reality, it's only a few months earlier than expected.

The next couple weeks will be spend filling out pages and pages of forms, figuring out packing and getting Zaari to her new home. She will be going to the home of a PC homologue who has many kids who love animals. I will be able to get updates on her through my Djougou post-mate and in the end, staying here is what is best for her (even if it makes me cry at night haha).

The last year and a half has been completely life altering and amazing and I wouldn't trade it for anything. It had its ups and downs, but doesn't life? Overall, I was happy and feel like I've both done some amazing work here and made many lasting friendships (cue cheesy music now). I'll miss a lot of people, but I would have been saying good-bye in a few months anyway, so I guess it's just ripping off the bandaid early.

All that sad stuff said, I am so incredibly excited to be going home! I'm looking for jobs in tutoring, being a nanny or long-term babysitter, or working as a receptionist at a medical office. I've already applied to over 20 jobs and hopefully I'll start to hear back soon. Apparently moving is sort of expensive...as is getting married and starting a household...(who knew? haha) so I'll be trying to save up as much as possible in the next few months before the wedding and med school.

I also just want to say that there have many times when I've wanted to leave, usually for very emotional reasons not backed by real logical ones. I've missed America and my family and Colt, but I've held out because I'm strong and determined and have never been someone to quit something just because it was hard. While ETing now does indeed solve some of those feelings (completely normal feelings that almost every PCV deals with on occasion), me leaving now is not due to emotional reasons. Right now it's about logic and finances and being a part of my family. Once I reached this point of clarity in thinking about my options, it actually wasn't that stressful of a decision. Ultimately, I'm not upset or struggling with the choice because I've put in enough time for me, personally, to feel accomplished and satisfied with my work and life here. Before I was always worried about regretting the choice later in life, which was a major deterrent to leaving. But now, at this point, with only a few months left, I know that I will have no regrets, only good memories! It helps that everyone I've talked to is supportive and in no way do I feel like a quitter. I loved it here and feel like I'm ending things on a good note at a good time for me.

Benin, it's been real. Stay classy,

Elaina

PS. I'll probably be back on to give a few ET updates for interested people and I may update again once I'm permanently back in the states. I can't believe this blog is ending! It's been such a big thing in my life for a long time now and it's going to be weird. I'll link my new, med school blog here and again in my final post. Yay, for turning the page!

back to the blogosphere

I don't really like that word "blogosphere," but I suppose that's what this world is, a little sphere. I know that right now, while I'm specifically blogging about Peace Corps life, is the time when I will probably have the most followers, the most people who regularly read my thoughts about life. It's interesting to know that the scope of this blog has gotten pretty wide. In a lot of ways, that's exactly what I wanted. I wanted to share my experiences with the rest of the world. In other ways, though, it's a bit nerve wracking. Clearly, the powers that be ARE paying attention to what we write, and the idea of censorship just makes me feel pretty icky all over. Because I'm applying to med school right now, I don't want to mess with it, though. Part of me definitely feels that if the Peace Corps thinks something on my blog is inappropriate, med schools would probably agree, and so ultimately it's only a good thing that I am censoring myself, even if it came about through third party censorship. So really, in the long run, no harm done.

And the point of all that was to say: I'm not going anywhere! I'll stop the cursing and maybe think twice about posting negative thoughts, but other than that, I'm sticking around. I still have a lot of time left and a lot of things still to say about the Peace Corps, about Africa, about Benin, and about my life. And I know y'all are still listening, so thank you.

I'm updating my wish list to include more vegan, gluten-free items (more on that later...with a recipe and pictures!), and I'll be posting a few entries today and working on med school applications all day. I'm in Cotonou, just living it up. I live in Africa, man. And life is good.

America, heck yeah!

I've been in America for the last two weeks and I have two more to go. My mom had some surgery so I came back to help out a bit on Peace Corps dime. I am actually extremely thankful for the time and money they've given me to let me be here.

I've done a lot of thinking and came extremely close to early terminating. I had made peace with the idea of never coming back to my little Djougou house; I packed like I was leaving forever and gave away so many things that I'll have to re-buy. But honestly I don't mind. I'm really glad to be coming back, I'm actually a little surprised at how happy I am that I made the decision I did. I feel like I've had this huge weight on my chest for weeks now and it's just completely lifted and I can breathe again.

Which means I can fully enjoy my time here. We're talking movies, and so much American food. And since I've been eating meat in Africa, why change my habits for such a short amount of time here? So I've had cheeseburgers and chicken and pork and omg, I don't think I'm going to be able to go back to being a veg. Colt is making me steaks for Valentine's Day tomorrow and I'm getting a really expensive bottle of Cabernet with my per diem that I've saved up.

Reverse culture shock is a very real, and very strange thing. My dad picked me up from the airport and took me to a super grocery store and I about had a nervous break-down. I looked around and saw all the tomatoes and fruit and cereal and started mumbling like a crazy person. "You can buy the lettuce...and then the onions....and then walk over here and get cookies...and the water comes out and sprays the vegetables..." There was actually tears in my eyes. But give me a break; I was tired and jet lagged out of my mind. I actually got trapped in the Minneapolis airport because of a giant snow storm. I spent the night there when my flight was canceled and while those seats are pretty comfortable, I was still a little shaken at the hugeness of the store.

There are actually probably about a hundred different examples of me being weirded out by things that should be familiar. Colt didn't know what to do with me for a while I think. I just see so much waste here that I didn't notice before. So much ingratitude for so much stuff. I mean, we have so much freaking STUFF. Why? I'm feeling very existentialist about America's materialism right now. But at the same time, wow. I mean, WOW. America is the best place ever. We have everything you could ever want or need. I can get Chinese for lunch and Indian for dinner or get a quiche or a salad or both or buffalo wings (OMG SO GOOD) or cocktails and pizza. You can buy a rug and fan and a table and bed, all premade and ready to go. It's just sort of amazing and I don't think people appreciate it. Plus the democracy? The freedom? The sheer force of American awesomeness?? Well, that's not something I'll be forgetting on my way home to Africa.

It's kind of cool, but a few times now I've referred to my house in Djougou as 'home' without even thinking about it. And it really is. I can't say that I'm jumping at the bit to get back there right away, but knowing I'll be there soon doesn't sound too bad at all.

E

a light at the end of the tunnel

Things are looking up. Colt will be here in 29 days, the Harmattan winds have started bringing cooler nights and wonderful midday breezes, my french is almost always adequate in any given situation, and those damn baby goats are as cute as ever. I have a new found sense of duty after filling with patriotism post season two of the west wing. i am serving my country by living here, i am working toward international cooperation and peace by living with the people making little money and hand washing my laundry. There is honor in that and i am really starting to believe it. I thought I believed it when I applied, but Peace Corps applicants have no idea about so many things. I think it takes at least a good chunk of a year to realize how much you don't know and even more time after that to find the perspective that will foster effective work. I am at that point. I started so completely misguided and I had done my homework! I was as possibly prepared as can be expected from a well educated American 22 year old and rounding up to my fifth month here I am only now seeing that there might actually be a place for me here. I had to get lost in myself, in the dark, before I could see the possibility for something other than a cheap idealism. I have come full circle as it were, and i am just now understanding that there was something almost insincere about our desire to serve.

Yes, that was only a moment

of indecision. So all you placement officers out there reading this should know that I am as gung ho as ever about the Peace Corps. I think getting engaged would make anyone question their future, right?

After thinking about it and discussing it with advisers, friends, and the fiance in question, I have decided that I am still on track for this thang. I've wanted it for so long, I really just cannot give it up. I think a part of me pushed the idea away so much in the last month in order to hold off on disappointment and getting my hopes up, that the life I had envisioned had sort of faded away. That made it easier to reject it and think skipping out would make me happier.

Well, that assumption was wrong and I know that if I don't go I'll regret it forever. If I go, I'll only have my baby love to come back to. I am choosing the road with the least regrets and that means AFRICA.

They may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one