the Top 5 Fears post

Ok! Ashleigh set hers up a few weeks ago and I really liked the idea of laying it all on the line. What am I most freaked out about when I think about my Peace Corps service in Africa? (and no, missing diet coke is not REALLY something that goes in the top 5. Definitely top 10 though. Maybe number 6 actually haha).

H'okay. Descending order for added dramz

5. Unwanted creatures in my living space. I'm talking creepy crawlies getting onto my bed while I'm sleeping, giant scorpions, big spiders, mosquitoes buzzing next to my ears freaking me out, flies, bats, mangy dogs, goats, children. Haha, not kids. I don't mind them. But seriously! I read all these stories of PC volunteers who are just so nonchalant about the freaky bugs! Like the ones that lay their eggs in your drying laundry and then they hatch and burrow into your skin?!?!? WTF? Yeah, not so excited for that. Maybe this should be higher on my list of fears lol.

4.Inability to communicate with others. I'm really worried that a) my French is going to suck, b) my host family or people at post won't even speak French, or c) my ability to learn a local language is going to be so bad that I'll end up making odd hand gestures to people to convey important messages, like "there's a giant scorpion in my bed" (for example)

3.Difficulty with maintaining vegetarianism. I really don't want to eat fish heads, cow's eyes, monkey brains, any variety of intestines or hearts, or hell, even plain old beef, chicken, lamb, goat, boar, or cat. I haven't willingly eaten meat in 6 years and I'd really like to not have to start again. I'm worried that I'll offend someone when I try to explain that I am not going to eat the lamb they sacrificed in my honor. But maybe they'll just laugh because I can't remember the right verb for "eat."

2. Ineffectualness. I am really worried that my time with the PC will end up being a waste of time for the community I live with. I'm concerned that I won't be able to help with any lasting sustainable changes or improvements and I'm concerned that I don't even have the expertise to be presuming I have any idea about how to make those changes in the first place. I read a lot of blogs of PCVs who are just bored a lot of the time, hanging out in the village, trying to kill scorpions and just reading a lot of paperback novels. I don't think I'll be very good at just hanging out. But maybe my hands will be full avoiding mutton and stray children.

1. Missing my fiance. I know already it's going to be hard. I just don't want it to be so hard that I can't integrate and I worry that it might be for a while at least. This ties in with the fear of not having access to outside communication because being able to talk to him will make the difference. As long as we can talk either on the phone, via text, skype, letters, email, whatever, a few times a week, I know I'll be fine. The idea of going a week without hearing from him at all, though, can make me burst into tears just thinking about it now.

So there ya go. Basically, my worst fear is a compilation of all of those things and would look something like this:

I'm in a hot little room and I am staring down a huge spider. There is sweat dripping down my back and I don't want to move because I'm pretty sure there are more of his brethren where he comes from (which seems to be my clothes hamper). I want my host dad to come and smash it with my flip flop, but I have no idea how to explain why I want him to come into my room without resulting to ridiculous hand gestures that just make the whole family crack up and laugh together in a language that I only know three words of. I haven't talked to Colt in 5 days and my stomach is cramping from either parasites or the unknown meat I consumed earlier in an effort to not offend my Muslim host family. All I want to do is turn on a fan and sleep after saying good night to my boy, but there's no electricity and my pay-by-the-minute cell phone is dead. There's a mosquito buzzing near my ear and the stare down continues.

Isn't that like the worst thing ever?? The fact that I still want to go, even after picturing that little scene means I must really want it!

What are your top 5 Peace Corps fears?

E